Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line: FunnyBusiness

The French Defense

In the past year people have been fired for blogging, smoking, and eating too much. Now, some former waiters at the poshier-than -posh 21 Club in New York have filed a $5 million discrimination suit claiming they were fired because they are French.

"In a civil suit made public on Monday at Manhattan Supreme Court, the three men, Rene Bordet, 68, Jean Claude Lesbre, 63 and Yves Thepault, 68, said the restaurant's management falsely accused them of drinking wine on the job and "created and fostered an environment rife with anti-French sentiment."

Both Bordet and Lesbre worked for 10 years as waiters and floor captains before being fired in 2004 after accusations of drinking on the job. Thepault, who worked for 14 years as a waiter, was fired in 2005 for gross insubordination after an argument with a chef over a hamburger, court papers said."

Okay, the hamburger does map me right to fries and that gets me curious as to what the 21 calls their fries. Are they french fries or the ever obnoxious freedom fries? 

Speaking of fries,turns out the republican congressmen who championed the campaign to change the name of french fries to freedom fries says he is now against the war.

Walter Jones, the Republican congressman for North Carolina who was also the brains behind french toast becoming freedom toast in Capitol Hill restaurants, told a local newspaper the US went to war "with no justification".

Mr. Jones, who in March 2003 circulated a letter demanding that the three cafeterias in the House of Representatives' office buildings ban the word french from menus, said it was meant as a "light-hearted gesture".

Tell that to Rene Bordet, Jean Claude Lesbre, and Yves Thepault.

Emoticons

Having spent the weekend thinking about "patterns" in human systems, I was particularly struck yesterday when an article about Emoticons  appeared in the Minneapolis Star Tribune ( access to article may end on June 28th).

Talking about patterns -- I just wrote a post about emoticons on Saturday  for my entry into this week's Carnival of the Capitals. ( To read the entry scroll down to Saturday's post)

Here, in all its glory, is the  MY BUTT IS ON THE LINE emoticon.

Getting back to the Strib article, not surprisingly, people have a massive love/hate relationship with them. The article  included an interview with Scott Fahlman of Carnegie Mellon University who is recognized as the father of emoticons --something he created in 1982.

Fahlman is as surprised as anyone by the massive expansion of "smilies and frownies."

The High-Tech Dictionary now displays 239 emoticons, including #:-o (shocked), ]:-> (little devil) and 7:) (Ronald Reagan). There are also hundreds of electronic emoticons, many based on the familiar yellow smiley face.

That face is one reason why many people recoil at emoticons, especially those who can remember the glut of smiling yellow "Have a Nice Day" buttons in the 1970s.

Others just don't get it.

"I'm not quite sure what the purpose [of emoticons] is," said Trumble. "Does this reflect the mood of the sender, or require me to join in this nonverbal expression?"

While I don't use emoticons every day, I do find them extremely useful in emails. However, like all universal symbols, they are of little use, if the recipient has no idea what they mean.

Can you match the symbol with the meaning?

1./\ /\ /\                                        a. Brain Dead

2.12x@>                                     b. see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil

3.  %-6                                        c. laughter

4. M-), :X, :                                  d. a dozen roses

Answers:  1-C,2-D,3-A, 4-B 

>-)

Carnival of The Capitalists

Check out Carnival of the Capitalists this week. Wayne Hulbert at  Blog Business World is hosting and he invited me to contribute a post-- my first Carnival ever. Thank you Wayne!  Lots of wonderful stuff to read.

Universal Signs

"Hey," said Royce, " Do you know the Universal Symbol for "My Butt is On The Line?" At this point,she took a piece of paper and drew a doodle that could have widespread application for the business world( scroll to bottom to see Royce's Universal Symbol)

Royce and I were attending a three -day workshop on organizational systems. The group had been speaking a patois that is not part of my everyday lexicon--physical science, cohorts, chaos and complexity theories and human systems dynamics. I was feeling somewhat out of my element.

That's when Royce decided that she would talk my language and offered up her doodle. Here's the thing. It has widespread applications that could enhance employee relations-- I encourage everyone to start using it.

In fact, I'd like Microsoft to incorporate it in its next version of Outlook.The MY LINE IS ON THE BUTT symbol  could be added as an email icon. Instead of using the ! to let people know that the message was important, the MY LINE ON IS ON THE BUTT symbol could be used.

And of course, it's a natural for post-it notes. If someone hasn't created emoticons just for the business world, here's your start. The idea has legs, someone just has to take it and run with it.

Theoretically, I love the idea of Universal Symbols. However, too often, only the people who created the Universal Symbol know what it means.

Do you know what these symbols mean?

In 1997 the Federal Trade Commission gave the clothing industry permission to use symbols in lieu of words to describe the proper care of clothing.

I would never have discovered these symbols if I had not spent an hour googling my brains out trying to find out the meaning of the symbols on my computer keyboard.

My computer  keyboard has universal symbols on all the "F" keys. I've never been an "F" key devotee but last week an IT specialist told me if I would just press one of my "F" keys I could solve a major problem I've been having with my computer.

Five weeks ago ,after the untimely death of Jalopy, I bought a new HP wide-screen laptop computer with a $200 rebate.

It's now been five weeks since I've been able to use my Samsung Monitor. When I plugged it in to new HP wide-screen, the two decided they just weren't going to communicate.

The IT specialist explained that on most computers you need to manually give permission for your computer to use an external monitor.

Since he was pressing the F4 key as he was explaining this to me, I modeled back, "So I press the F4 key."

"Not necessarily," he explained. "Different computers use different keys for this function."

In an effort to make it easier he said,"Look for the monitor symbol." Before I could memorize that symbol he warned, "Well,some computers use three rectangles as their symbol."

Computer manufacturers should take a hint from the textile folks who have a complete guide on their website telling consumers what the symbols mean. How hard would it be for the computer folks to provide this guide.? Better yet, how hard would it be for the computer folks to agree on the same symbols? Now that would be an elegant solution.

Speaking of elegant solutions, as promised, Royce's Universal Symbol for Your Butt Is On the Line.

Oh and in case you were wondering what those clothing care symbols mean.

1. Machine wash, warm ( if it had one dot it would have been machine wash, cold)

2.Non-Chlorine Bleach When Needed

3.Tumble Dry, Normal, Low Heat

4. Iron, Medium

The Comma Code

Over the years I have joked that  the "comma"is the bane of my existence. I have even said that commas and I just don't get along. Little did I know that for some people,what I was really saying is that I don't get along with As#h&les.

Evidently,in the corridors of  some very prestigious Boston Hospitals, and now in some fairly well-known businesses in Minneapolis,you can hear people adding the word "comma" to the end of a sentence.

If you hear this, these people do not have an odd punctuation fetish, rather they are talking in code.

THE CODE

When comma is spoken at the end of the sentence it stands for the word that follows that comma ---As#h&le.

Tracy Kidder, author of Mountains Beyond Mountains credits world-famous physician Paul Farmer for starting the comma code. According to Kidder this is the first sentence he ever heard spoken in the code.

"I feel ambivalent about selling my services in a world where some can't buy them. You can feel ambivalent about that, because you should feel ambivalent.Comma"

As Kidder writes,

"I understood he wasn't calling me one--he would never do that;he was almost invariably courteous. Comma was always directed at third parties,...

Why stop at the comma? Think of the potential for punctuation euphemisms.  The folks at A.Word.A. Day have been thinking about substitutes for the run of the mill swear words, as well.

"In "Pudd'head Wilson's Calendar", Mark Twain elaborated on his attitude toward invective:

"In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied often to prayer."

My friend Caroline has adopted Farmer's Comma. She says she's using it routinely at work and that it's providing amazing enjoyment. In fact, Caroline swears by it.

Note: Caroline is a real person who is now speaking comma, Caroline is not her real name.

100th Post

When my kids were in kindergarten they had to bring in 100 items of something to mark their 100th day in school.  The Today Show makes a big deal of people's 100th birthday.The media likes to mark a president's "first 100 days."

It seems that 100 of anything is something to note.Today is my 100th post on this blog.

It's also Flag Day which happens to also be my birthday. I love  synchronicity. My dad's birthday is my half birthday. I love the fact that I was born on 6-14 and weighed 6lbs,14 oz ,and that when my daughter Berit was born, she also weighed 6 lbs,14 oz.

My son Noah's kindergarten teacher was Mrs. Happy. (Does life get any better than that?) Anyway, during our parent teacher conference she mentioned that Noah viewed the world from a math perspective and she told this story to illustrate it.

On the 100th day of kindergarten someone had brought in 100 M&Ms. After counting them, Mrs. Happy announced that there were only 97 M&Ms. Without missing a beat Noah blurted out, "That means three are missing."

Mrs. Happy said his comments were  very telling. She said other children would  ask, "I wonder which colors are missing?" Still others might ask, " Who Took Them?" or,"What happened to them?" or, "Who ate them?"

"Noah," she declared, "views life mathematically."

Over the years I've taken a host of personality and learning style tests. I am, according to Myers- Briggs, an INFP. From the Learning Styles Inventory I'm an Enthusiastic Learner which means, among other things, I really get on the nerves of people who are logical.

This morning I took another learning style test at learning-styles-online.com You can too. It's free. Of course if you want the complete 54 page report, that will cost you $4.95. I skipped the report.

Here are my results

Style Scores Visual 4 Aural 9 Verbal 15 Physical 9 Logical 1 Social 15 Solitary 13

Memletic Styles Graph:

No surprises here. The site is very fun and provides good information about the strenghts of the various learning styles.

Still, I think of all the learning style quizzes, Mrs. Happy's is my favorite.  If you were in her class, what would  have popped into your mind if there were supposed to be 100 M&Ms in the glass jar and there were only 97. Would you think about the three that were missing? Would you wonder who took them? Would you think the person who brought in the M&M's just couldn't count right?

Not me. I'd be thinking about when was it time to share.

One Sweet Load

It started out as a typical cab ride. The driver asked if I were going to the airport. I said I was flying Northwest. About this time the dispatcher called and my driver said, " I've got the load."

Maybe it was the hour --5:30 a.m. but I found that very funny.
"I take it, I'm the load," I said.

My driver was embarrassed. We laughed and then we started chatting.

Dave ,who looks like an aging hippie,has been driving taxis since 1975. I was surprised at the longevity of this career  because he didn't know how to get to 62 East from my house--the road that would get us to the airport.

Because of that,I assumed he was doing this as a temporary assignment. Not so. Dave, who is supposed to work from 5;00 pm to 5am(he tells me he usually gets started around 9:00pm) says this is the perfect job for him because he's lazy.

"Really?" I asked, "You never wanted to do anything else?"

"Not really." Then he added, " I did think it might be fun to be a taxi driver in New York City."

It was one of those great taxi conversations. As I was leaving, he asked for my blog. This morning, I had an email from Dave quoting Melville.

     Regarding my comment this morning about my profession being well suited for a lazy individual (like me), I want to add, that I am, in no way, representative of all cab drivers.  In my experience, cabbies are a richly varied group of guys.  Women, in my industry are about as common as male nurses.

     You might enjoy reading something about cab drivers by the noted business writer Herman Melville.  In his novel Pierre or, The Ambiguities, as a character was about to hire a cab, Melville (or, at least his narrator persona) decides it's time to treat the reader to short digression about the cab drivers of his day:

     To certain temperaments, especially when previously agitated by any deep feeling, there is perhaps nothing more exasperating, and which sooner explodes all self-command, than the course, jeering insolence of a porter, cabman, or hack-driver.  Fetchers and carriers of the worst city infamy as many of them are; professionally familiar with the most abandoned haunts; in the heart of misery, they drive one of the most mercenary of all the trades of guilt.  Day-dozers and sluggards on their lazy boxes in the sunlight, and felinely wakeful and cat eyed in the dark; most habituated to midnight streets, only trod by sneaking burglars, wantons, and debauchees; often in actual pandering league with the most abhorrent sinks; so that they are equally solicitous and suspectful that every customer they encounter in the dark, will prove a profligate or a knave; this hideous tribe of ogres, and Charon ferry-men to corruption and death, naturally slide into the most practically Calvinistical view of humanity, and hold every man at bottom a fit subject for the coarsest ribaldry and jest; only fine coats and full pockets can whip such mangy hounds into decency.  The least impatience, any quickness of temper, a sharp remonstrating word from a customer in a seedy coat, or betraying any other evidence of poverty, however minute and indirect (for in that pecuniary respect they are the most piercing and infallible of all the judgers of men), will be almost sure to provoke, in such cases, their least endurable disdain.

    

     A cabbie's horse must've kicked over his cradle, huh?  I know I cultivate a certain degree of slovenliness, but a phrase like "hideous tribe of ogres" is a bit over the top, isn't it?  Even though I disagree with Melville, he's fun to read.

So You thought you had a tough job?

Much of my week has been spent thinking about trash and trinkets --you know those branded USB memory drives, cups, pens and T-shirts.

So I thought it was quite serendipitous when I ran across Gwendolyn Bound's column in the The Wall Street Journal talking about the growth of the promotional products industry

"In an industry once known mostly for the impersonal office mug or T-shirt, the breadth of today's offerings suggests that the branding frenzy covering every available visible space -- from sports stadiums and bus exteriors to water bottles and popcorn bags -- is still gathering steam. Today there are some 750,000 promotional products that U.S. businesses give away, up from 350,000 in 1995, according to the Advertising Specialty Institute, a Tevose, Pa.-based for-profit trade group that sponsored last week's event."

When this email came into my inbox I thought I had gone to promotional products heaven.  It absolutely made my week.

The subject line: FW: I hate my job   

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On

your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go

to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal

thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure

you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains

and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable Clothing and sit in your

favorite chair, open the package and remove the

thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so

that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun

part begins - Take out The literature and read it

carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a

statement,

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is

personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at

Johnson and Johnson.

Checking in on a fired blogger

In the past couple of weeks both IBM and Yahoo have released Employee Guidelines for blogging. Net Net -- use common sense.

Earlier this year there was quite a bit of buzz about the number of employees getting the pink slip for blogging.

One of the more notorious is the  Delta Flight Attendant who was ostensibly fired from her job on Nov. 1, 2004 for posting "inappropriate" pictures in uniform on her blog. She was never told which pics were "inappropriate.

Since starting her blog 18 months ago more than 1.5 million people have visited her blog.

She still posts on a regular basis and used to end each post with a Nightline style countdown of how long Delta Airlines has had her appeal without responding.

However last week she said,

" Since it is going on 3 months since I sent my appeal to Delta and they have not responded, I have decided to stop my ticker for now.  I will, of course, update you---if I hear something, that is. "

Meanwhile on a post dated May 22nd, she shared this

I had some spies at the Delta shareholders' meeting last week, and one of them reported that during the meeting CEO Gerald Grinstein encouraged a Delta intern to blog about the company.  Hmmmm.  *raises eyebrow*

Schedule Chicken

Forget the company softball team. The real game being played in many corporations is known as Schedule Chicken-- a game where no one on a team wants to fess up that a project is going to be delayed. 

I had never heard of Schedule Chicken until last Friday. I am evidently way out of the loop on current corporate patois, Victor Stone wrote about Schedule Chicken back in 1999, saying that Microsoft was banning the practice. 

No way of knowing whether the good folks at Microsoft were successful at banning the game. However, according to my sources, Schedule Chicken is Alive and Well and living in the halls of corporations throughout the country.

"[Schedule Chicken] happens when two or more areas of a product claim they can deliver their features at a ridiculously early date because each assumes the other feature area team is lying even worse about how long it will take them to deliver their features. This charade marches forward past one psychedelic checkpoint after another until just before the goods are actually due. A more seasoned team lead will delay copping to what is painfully obvious for as long as humanly possible, hoping someone else will break first and jump out of their car. The ceremony where the team lead has to admit the emperor isn't wearing any clothes results in a tribal ritual that rivals Inca sacrifices, except that the virgin probably felt better about her fate. It is very difficult for the offending feature team to recover from being the furthest out on the schedule—because now that the truth is known, all everyone else has to do to look good is to finish just before that late team. Even if the schedule chickens end up beating the deadline, it is nearly impossible for the people on that team to beat the stigma of being unable to stay on a schedule."

According to Stone, Schedule Chicken is based on that famous scene in Rebel Without A Cause  where James Dean, Natalie Wood, and Corey Allen use hot rods and a cliff to play "chicken.'   In the movie,the participants take their hot rods and race towards a cliff. The first one to jump out before the car crashes over the cliff is "the chicken."

It is a dangerous game. In the movie, Corey Allen's jacket strap got caught on the car door and he went over the cliff.

Welcome back to work. Hope you had a restful Memorial Day.