Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line: FunnyBusiness

The Bold and The Beautiful

File this under who knew ? The TV Soap Opera The Bold And The Beautiful  could be the solution to frustrated customers who are now forced to deal with customer service representatives whose command of American English is sub par, at best.

I would never have known what a fantastic training tool The Bold and The Beautiful really is unless I had not chatted with Simon, yesterday's technical support person at Verizon wireless.

Simon--who was exemplary--sent me an email to confirm the problems we were working on with my Blackberry had been corrected. When the email arrived it said it was from Muhammad.

Thinking he changed his name because of potential Muslim backlash, I asked if that is why he went by Simon.

Turns out it has less to do with racism and more to do with Indian customs.

According to Simon, in India, it is common practice for people to go by their middle names. Simon's middle name starts with an "s" but evidently Americans are too enunciated-challenged and can't  say his name. So,  he selected Simon to accommodate our inabilities. Thank you.

I also realized that I would be up the creek in India. I have no middle name. Aside from monograms it hasn't poised a big problem  in my life, but then I don't live in India where evidently it would be very problematic.

Hoping he would take this as a compliment, I said something to the affect, " You know Simon ,I talk to lots of people from India on a regular basis(I much more regular than I care to do) and you just don't sound like you were raised there."

Simon chuckled and said, " my secret is The Bold And The Beautiful."  To perfect his accent,Simon would watch the soap and practice saying the lines out loud.

It worked. So here's my suggestion. Throw out the standard English language training classes  and start showing The Bold And The Beautiful at work.

It's an inexpensive win-win. The corporations will be creating goodwill from employees who will appreciate the entertainment  and at the same time it will be professional development that customers will benefit from by having customer service representatives that they don't have to constantly say, " I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

In fact, showing The Bold and The Beautiful could actually add dollars to the bottom line. .I'm sure that some financial type  could do a cost analysis and demonstrate that implementing a must watch Bold and The Beautiful  policy could end up shaving significant time off of each call.

It could make devotees of Six Sigma proud. Of course there is that downside of showing The Bold and The Beautiful-- it would probably reinforce some negative impressions that these Indian phone reps must have about our values, shallowness,and tendency to throw inappropriate temper tantrum

Checking In on Opinionistas

Opinionistas is a blog written by a New York law associate. It is a risky blog. Like many  bloggers before her, if discovered, she will be fired ,and chances are she will find a difficult time finding a new job.

While she worries about being "outed", there is also a sense, that is exactly what she wants--someone else determining her future for her.( In the previous post she shares a conversation with an old friend where she confesses she writes the Opinionistas blog. The friend says, " I knew that was you."

Chances are if that friend knows, a whole lot of other folks know.

Yesterday's Post is titled Ogre. It details the rants of a partner who is less than impressed with her research on a memo.

He enters my office in the full throes of a tantrum, nostils flared, cheeks flaming red, protruding belly thrust forward.

"What the hell is this? I give you a simple research assignment and you're incapable of even finding the basic cases?" He hasn't bothered to close the door, which means everyone within earshot will be treated to this afternoon's slaughter spectacle.

"Actually, the research didn't end up being so simple, as you'll recall X and Y cases made the issue far more complex and-" Out of the corner of my eye, I'm running through the document on my computer screen, trying to remember what I wrote two months ago. I've perfected this skill over the past few years.

"Don't bother with excuses, don't even bother, this is ridiculous! I can't even trust you to perform basic tasks! You did say you graduated from law school, right? What the hell is the matter with you! You can be Goddamn sure I won't be forgetting this level of ineptitude any time soon." At this point, scorn practically dribbles down his chin and drips to the floor. He's gesturing wildly, yelling in my face, I can see the roof of his mouth from my chair as he looms over me, spewing a lifetime of barely-repressed anger.

At last count, over 60 people  have shared comments on that post. Many ,who also work at law firms, wrote to share their own experiences with law firm Ogres.

Reading this blog, you get the idea that the place with the worst, most abusive working conditions  in the entire countryare law firms.

Corporate executives can't get away with that kind of behavior any more  without severe consequences--it's too costly.  In the corporate world, they know that if they try to pull a stunt like that, they'll get called into HR, sent to anger management class ,and then have to submit to a deposition when the employee's lawyer sues the executive for creating a hostile work environment.

Back to the library

After 20 years in corporate America, one of my friends decided enough is enough. She is leaving her post in charge of competitive research and is going back to school to become a librarian.

I learned this news last night at book club. It was only after I got home from book club that I remembered I wanted to share this little ditty with them because I found this so fascinating and so appropriate for book club conversation.

Here's what I wanted to tell them.

Every morning, the folks at A.Word. A. Day aka AWAD send me a word. Yesterday's word was Dryasdust.

It took me by surprise. While I have heard the word, said the word, maybe said it more than once or twice in my life. I never knew it was a word. I thought it was a phrase...dry as dust...as in the Dust Bowl of the 1930s.

That's right. I thought the phrase was complete Americana. Born out of the suffering and angst of the Great Depression.

Instead, it turns out that the word isn't about the inability for farmers to grow crops, it's actually  from the imagination of the author Sir Walter Scott.

According to AWAD, dryasdust was first sited in the dedication of

IVANHOE . In that dedication Scott wrote

DEDICATORY EPISTLE
TO
THE REV. DR DRYASDUST, F.A.S.

Dr. Dryasdust however was the writer's own creation. He pretends to dedicate the novel to him for supplying him with dry historical details

Who knew that Sir Walter Scott had a wicked sense of humor?

So today, as you review documents or have meetings that are as dryasdust, remember, that Sir Walter Scott felt your pain.

The World keeps getting smaller for smokers

In case you were wondering how much it costs to get the smoking smell out of a hotel room, Westin Hotel says its $200. That's how much they will add on to any customer's bill who is caught smoking in their rooms after January 1, 2006 ( we still don't have a name for this decade. I still recommend D1/2K)

Meanwhile over in Germany, an employee at a printing company was just fired for smoking in his backyard. According to telegraph.co.uk  the company provided all non-smokers with a bonus. In order to receive the financial reward, employees had to state every month that they did not smoke. The guys's co-workers turned him in.

"The rules were he was to tell us if he smoked. He defrauded us of some 1,200 euros [£800] a year which is enough money for a family holiday. If someone steals from their company, it is normal that they are punished." The company introduced its radical no-smoking policy five years ago and abolished smoking areas last year. Two thirds of its staff are in the programme. "

Last year a Michigan company made the headlines when it fired employees who refused to take a Breathalyzer test after the company instituted a policy forbidding employees to smoke cigarettes --any time, any where 24/7 --365 days a year.

There is a big difference from the firm in Michigan and the company in Germany. The German firm was providing an incentive --a very nice incentive for people to embrace the nonsmoking lifestyle.

The Michigan  firm wasn't  incenting, it was dictating and as much as I dislike smoking, I do not believe a company had the right to fire those employees.

Like the firm in Germany, Roanoke, Va's Cat Communications International  believes the best way to change habits is through incentives. That's why the CEO Norm Mason created a free Vegeteria .

"Mason says he created the "Vegeteria" out of concern for the well- being of his 200 employees of Cat Communications International. So he's giving them all the fresh vegetables, meat substitutes, cakes and drinks they could ever want.

"This was a way to say: 'Look, we don't feel it's right to have the flesh of an animal, an animal killed for your benefit,'" Mason said. "I see it no different than smoking. People are asked to go outside and smoke."

Evidently, some employees felt their rights were being violated and contacted a local television station who challenged Mason's "no meat" policy. Turns out Mason has taken his cue from no-smoking policies.

Employees, can still eat meat in "designated rooms." They just can't eat meat in the corporate funded vegeteria.

Heaven help the shrinking world of carnivore eating, nicotiana inhaling employees.

It's about the health Insurance, stupid

I've been struggling with the case of Ms. Michelle McCusker--the 26 year old pre kindergarten teacher who got herself fired from a Catholic School for sharing that she was pregnant and had not intention of marrying the dad.

For the past week I've tried to decide how I feel about the case. Religious rights vs. job discrimination?

On this one, I really do see both sides. I searched the blogs looking for insight and clarity...for that one post that would bring it home to me. For that post that would resonate so strongly that I could say..YES that is what I believe.

I think I found my answer.  Maybe the issue isn't as fundamental as a religious rights vs women's rights, after-all.

Maybe  it' really about practicality. The girl needs health insurance.--- It's really expensive to have a baby particularly when you are out of work and do not have health insurance.  This concept really resonated since I just got my new health insurance bill... almost $700 a month ...just for me. And, I don't have any major health issues.

I came upon this realization after reading Amy Welbourn's Open Book where she shares a time when she worked at a Catholic School that also fired an unwed pregnant teacher.

"My sense of the situation in my school is that not even the teacher in question herself really took that much issue with the letting go - and she wasn't Catholic - but what stuck in the craw was the diocese's withdrawal of her health insurance. A group of pro-lifers even went to the diocese, in the person of the Chancellor (a religious sister), and argued on the teacher's behalf. No dice. Tough. The situation was finally saved by a local pastor (priest - an old Irishman. They tend to come through.) who worked something out so she could be supported and receive health care.

Irony?

After the baby was born, she was re-hired, and taught at the school for another year. It was all very legalistic and tricky, and besides, other situations had worked themselves out. All of this before she had the good sense to get out of teaching and go into real estate, at which she has been, in the years sense, tremendously successful..."

Of course I have not personally chatted with Ms.McCusker. I do not know her motivations.

But I do understand medical bills and the need to have really good health insurance. So, if her issue is that she needs health insurance to protect the life of this unborn child, then I would be very comfortable supporting her.

And, I hope her former employer does too.

Blackberry Blues aka Playing the Canada Card

If you read between the headlines, what you'll discover about the Blackberry Bru-ha-ha is that it has as much to do with Canadian pride and nationalism as patent disagreements.

Here's how the Wall Street Journal( linked for those of you who have subscriptions) described the crux of the issue:

"The patent fight involved RIM's use of technology to send email wirelessly and automatically, and without a need to manually retrieve messages. A jury found RIM infringed NTP's patents, rejecting the company's defense that since BlackBerry emails are sent through a Canadian network U.S. patents don't apply."

That's right. RIM is playing the Canada Card. But, they may not be playing it so much for the 4 million U.S. thumbers as they are to the hometown crowd.

About a year ago Engadget wrote a great post on the law suit that explains the issues so that any thumbalina can understand. However, for me, the power of this post is in the comments. Specifically comment 5 from JM

"Both foreign and Canadian investors alike are still really shaky on Canadian technology companies with Nortel still not being "yesterdays news" Although their markets are very unique, RIM is going to bring back memories of Nortel in the eyes of ignorant investors, who do account for a significant amount of capital."

JM goes on to say,

"But im sure if a company in the states who has MIT as a neighbour wouldn't be so frightened, so why should canadians lose so much faith in a company that owes much of its success to our research and technology powerhouse? I mean, there must come a time when us Canadians finally appreciate our ability to create. Part of the technology might have been drawn on paper somewhere else in the world. But Im sure that if American companies that have screwed so many people over, from every country even their own, RIM certainly could do it too."

In the meantime, I'll keep my thumbs waltzing along my Blackberry's keyboard, remaining cautiously optimistic that the parties in question will reach an agreement so that Thumbalinas like me can continue to receive our mobile emails in the style that we have grown accustomed to.