Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line: FunnyBusiness

Louisiana

As I was watching CNN and the magnitude of what is happening  in the Gulf Coast is beginning  to settle in, I started playing some of my favorite Randy Newman Songs about New Orleans and Louisiana.

Maybe this will provide some comfort and strength. And, I hope I'm not breaching copyright!Download 124_Louisiana_1927.m4a

The lyrics are eerily relevant today.

"Some people got lost in the flood
Some people got away alright
The river have busted through cleard down to Plaquemines
Six feet of water in the streets of Evangelne

Louisiana, Louisiana
They're tyrin' to wash us away
They're tryin' to wash us away
Louisiana, Louisiana
They're tryin' to wash us away
They're tryin' to wash us away

President Coolidge came down in a railroad train
With a little fat man with a note-pad in his hand
The President say, "Little fat man isn't it a shame what the river has
done
To this poor crackers land."
                                                        Randy Newman

When in Rome

In May New York TV reporter Arthur Ch'ien was fired from his job for saying the "f" word on live TV.

If Arthur had gone to the Weavers School in England he could have claimed, "I learned it in school."  It seems the Weavers School is introducing a new policy.

According to the Daily Mail, students may say the "f" word up to five times. That's not five times a semester, that's five times a class.

Now, in the states high school students go to about six classes a day. So if you can say the "f" word five times in six classes. Well, you do the math. That's a lot of effing words.

"Assistant headmaster Richard White said the policy was aimed at 15 and 16-year-olds in two classes which are considered troublesome.

'Tolerate but not condone'

"Within each lesson the teacher will initially tolerate (although not condone) the use of the f-word (or derivatives) five times and these will be tallied on the board so all students can see the running score," he wrote in the letter

"Over this number the class will be spoken to by the teacher at the end of the lesson."

Parents called the rule 'wholly irresponsible and ludicrous'.

"This appears to be a misguided attempt to speak to kids on their own level," said the father of one pupil. "

Is it misguided ?Or,is it merely a school recognizing that language norms have changed and they are simply recognizing that change?

Last month I was taken aback when one of the key hostesses of Blogher greeted the conference using the "f" word.  It got me thinking as I shared in Bitch Bitch Bitch  that it may be a generational attitude.

About 18 months ago Blogcritics ran a very funny piece advocating  that the "F" word should be allowed on the radio. It's a very funny piece but it also supports the school in England's position. The word is so overused that its lost its power.( actually that point is shared by someone in the comments section)

So, if school is preparation for work. How long will it be before corporations have policies allowing people to say the "F" word ( but only five times in a meeting)?

Back to School

The students won't be arriving until after Labor Day, but Tyler, the former corporate Vice President turned high school math teacher,will be starting his new job this week.

A classic Type A, Tyler has been planning how he will decorate the room and motivate the kids. He hopes "coach" will be part of the salutation. Tyler doesn't just want to teach, he wants to coach. It's been part of his dream for as long as I've known him---almost 20 years.

It's only been 10 months since Tyler left his corporate job. He had plenty of time to prepare --nearly three years ago, Tyler was part of the executive team that searched for a white knight to save his former company. The company was saved but most of the executive staff was shown the door.

Tyler was thrilled. When he took his former job nearly six years ago , he wanted it to be his last corporate one. His goal has always been to be in a financial position so he could afford to be a teacher. Thanks to the merger and a wife who has a secure and high paying career, Tyler has the freedom to pursue his dream.

Over the summer Tyler did his student teaching in a remedial geometry class in a inner school school.  Think Dangerous Minds. were nearly 40 students in the class. As he said, " if you can teach here, you can teach anywhere."

He didn't agree with the teacher's strategy for the class. " his goal was to cover all the material. There's no way these kids were going to get it.  You could see the kids eyes glazing over."

Tyler said if it were left up to him he would have focused on two or three key concepts.Then he added, " I wasn't the teacher."

Now he is. He has a contract. He has a room. He has the text books. He has a bulletin board to design and he has lesson plans to do.

Throughout the year, we'll be checking in on Tyler to hear about his  transformation from corporate executive to high school math teacher.

Have a great year, Tyler!

NOTE: Tyler is a pseudonym. His contract probably forbids him from talking about his job without clearance from the school district.

Welcome to St.Paul

Some cities choose to welcome visitors with a sign saying Welcome to New Haven,we’re an All-American city.

St. Paul, Minnesota welcomes visitors who cross their city limits with a police officer standing in the middle of the street pointing a laser gun at motorists.

When asked, officials of the St. Paul police department say their greeting to the “other” city isn’t about increasing the city coffers but rather a deep abiding commitment to safety.

I’m not buying it. Completely.

If it looks like a money making scheme and it acts like a money making scheme then chances are it is a money making scheme. Just how much money St.Paul is earning from this meet, greet and tag policy is not known.

The city, according to the sources I chatted with, doesn’t’ have a database indicating which speed traps racked in the most amount of money.

Instead everything is lumped into one bit category. How convenient.

I just contributed $150 to city of St .Paul coffers. My speeding ticket was actually for $168 but by agreeing not to take it to court and risking a “guilty” verdict, I am avoiding having my insurance company notified of the violation .

As long as I don’t get another speeding ticket in 12 months it will never go on my record. If history is any indication, I won’t get another speeding ticket until 2044. Let’s just say if I’m lucky enough to make it to 2044 the only motorized vehicle I'll be commandeering will most likely be a motorized scooter.

I did hesitate in accepting the city’s generous offer to keep this unpleasantry off my driving record. In many ways, it felt like I was being bought off.By accepting their offer of not telling my insurance company there is now no public record of my complaint against the city’s policy of positioning a speed trap right at the city limit.

Here is how I was ticketed.

Usually to get to St.Paul I just take I-94. But on this particular morning I took the scenic route. For several years the Ford Ave bridge had been under repair. Now there's a beautiful four lane bridge spanning the mighty Mississippi and joining Minneapolis and St.Paul. As I was driving on the new bridge ,which just begs to be ridden at about 40 -45 miles an hour, I saw something in the distance.

I actually sped up a bit so I could see what it was. It was the police officer tagging my speed. He was standing in the middle of the street. The 30 mile an hour speed limit sign was parallel to his position.

Was I speeding? Absolutely.

Was I aware that I was speeding. No.

Was there a posted speed limit sign as I got on the bridge? No.

As I told Sr. Commander Gregory Pye of the St.Paul Police Department I wouldn't have had an issue getting ticketed if the police office had been a block past the speed limit sign.

Pye asked, " You really didn't know the speed limit was 30?"

"How would I know that? There isn't a speed limit posted when you enter the bridge."

Then Officer Pye shared this little factoid which anyone who has ever gotten a speeding ticket knows. If the speed limit isn't posted assume it's 30 MPH.

Senior Commander Pye said that traffic safety is one of the top priorities of the citizens of St.Paul. I applaud that.

And, if I had been barreling down a neighborhood street, I wouldn't have an issue. However, having the policeman in the middle of the street is #1 dangerous. #2 distracting.

If I wasn't so intrigued by what was in the middle of the road, I may have seen the speed limit sign at then end of the bridge and would have slowed down to be in compliance.

My challenge to Senior Commander Pye is this: If the goal is really to get people to pay attention to the speed limit rather than add money to the city's general fund, why not post a speed limit sign at the beginning of the bridge not at the end of it.?

If the city doesn't want to do that, then have the policeman tag people a block after they've had a chance to see the speed limit sign. Make it fair. Tagging people at the city limits before they have even seen a speed limit sign feels slimy.

Senior Commander Pye didn't make any promises but he did say it would take my suggestion under consideration.

Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

"Amber thinks I'm her bitch."

Amber is Rikki's boss. Rikki is a teenage employee who has been gainfully employed for less than a year.

Rikki is not the first employee to use the word bitch in the same sentence as her boss, but it is the generational use of the word that caught my attention.

It is for me, the first  time I've paid attention to the influence of rap and hip-hop music lyrics infiltrating  mainstream corporate patois.

I have been paying closer attention to how different generations use language in the workplace for the past few weeks --ever since I attended Blogher. During the  conference's opening remarks,one of the speakers welcomed everyone  with a greeting  and cheer that included the motivational "F-them!"

Despite my regular and frequent use of the F word, I still try to monitor where I say it. Does that make me a closet F user? Or is it just a generational divide?

I have made a personal and deliberate decision to  never use the F word  to greet a gathering of 300 professionals.  I have deliberately chosen not to write out the F word, the S word and definitely not the C word in my blog.

Even as I write this, it feels a bit puritanical and somewhat hypocritical. But that's where I'm sitting today ,clearly a child of my generation where we say the "F" word, but rarely in front of our parents.

The B word is a different story. While I'm not sure I would include the word bitch in a public presentation to 300 people, bitch is definitely a word I have used to describe a few clients and coworkers.

Not surprisingly, Rikki and I have very different reactions to using the word bitch to describe "servitude". I see it as a dark, violent definition which conjures up pictures of  prison rape and complete humiliation.

Rikki sees it as cool slang.

The bitch conversation came on the heels of a conference call I participated in yesterday about civility, use of language online and in F2F conversations.

The call, hosted by Nancy White and Bill Anderson was a free wheeling discussion exploring our attitudes about the perceived current trend of abrasive commenting on blogs, name calling ,and general in your face language that is a part of our daily lives.

No decisions. Just a sharing of thoughts. A dangling conversation to be continued.

NOTE: Amber and Rikki are pseudonyms.

The Fixer

It could be semantics. It could be different business practices. Or, it could be greed. This is a look at how different businesses interpret the request to "fix" a problem with a car.

The car in question is my son Noah's 94-dark green Jeep Grand Cherokee with about 150,000 miles on it. For the past year the electrical windows haven't worked.

This required some interesting maneuvering at drive up ATM's, fast food restaurants, and toll booths( we don't really have toll roads  in Minnesota and Wisconsin) but a trip to Chicago would require some interesting contortions to get the money in the "catcher" do-floppy at a toll booth,

But,given that we live in Minnesota and Noah goes to the University of Wisconsin, having a car with windows that didn't roll down wasn't that big of a deal. In the winter we like those windows rolled up.

After driving around this way for almost a year, Noah took the car to our favorite auto repair shop and they "fixed" the problem for $400.

Oh the joy of being able to electrically roll a window up and down.The joy lasted three weeks.

Unfortunately, the window stopped working in the down position. So now, instead of having a window that wouldn't roll down, Noah had a window that wouldn't roll up.

A window in the down position is a much bigger problem.

Noah took the car back to our favorite auto repair shop and they said it would now cost an additional $600 to fix the problem. They assured us that this was a new problem, not the old problem that cost $400.

Noah and I were not amused. Time for a second opinion. The second opinion cited a different problem and said it would cost $500 to “fix”.

Noah then took it to the Jeep dealership. They charged him $60 for the diagnosis and then quoted yet a completely different reason for the problem and quoted him about $1200 to get it fixed.

At this point we decided to go to our auto body shop, Wreck Bros ( I kid you not) and he recommended that we go to Sparks(I'm not making these names up)

Sparks“fixed” the problem for $200. With one inconvenience. Noah can’t open the passenger side window from the driver side control panel.

Sparks explained that the other businesses idea of “fixing” the problem was to install all new parts.

Sparks is in business to repair the malfunctioning part.

“So,” we asked, “what was the problem?”

Sparks responded, “A screw.”

“A screw?” we were incredulous.

“Yes,” said Sparks,“The screw had broken off so we glued a new one back on.”

End of repair. The car is fixed. We got screwed and saved a heap of money.

P.S. Noah called the Jeep Dealership and shared what happened. The Jeep dealership is refunding his $60.

The Corporate A-List

It’s a classic movie scene: The dashing young salesperson walks into the office unannounced, and tries unsuccessfully to get past the gatekeeper — the boss’s over- protective, plain-Jane assistant.  The charismatic salesman with the Ben Affleck grin, spends some time teasing and flirting with the attention-starved gatekeeper, and before you can say,  ‘Mr Johnson can see you now,' the salesperson is being shown into the boss’s office.

Oh,for those good old black and white movie days when gatekeepers were actual people. Not today. Today, the gatekeeper is most likely to be a list— the approved vendor list, to be exact.

“Approved vendor lists are the rage,” said Sid, a vendor consultant. Sid works for  a firm that helps other businesses with their approved vendor lists.

“ The original intent  of the approved vendor list was to provide companies with a way to to get a handle on who their vendors are ,streamline their costs, and eliminate their good old boy networks, “ explained Sid.

“Do they do that?”

“Usually not, “ conceded Sid. “You could say they are a necessary evil."

“What’s the problem?”

“For starters” said Sid, “ approved vendor lists completely stifle competition. Once you’re on the list your’re in. Everyone becomes complacent.  It’s human nature. Without competition, people take it easy.”

“Can’t you just add companies to the list to increase competition?”

“Easier said than done,” explained Sid.  “ It can take months, even years to add new vendors. The whole idea behind an approved vendor list is to restrict the number of vendors.”

            “Let me get this straight,” I said, “ Are you saying  in American businesses today that if a new company comes in with a better process, an innovative idea, a better price, and better service, that organizations won’t talk to them?”
           ” They can talk, but procurement probably won’t let them get hired. There are exceptions, of course, but the majority of companies that use approved vendor lists, don’t make many exceptions.” Sid said.

Judy was working for a firm that had a closed vendor list. That meant that procurement would not allow any new vendors onto the list under any circumstances, sort of. The problem was, Judy was trying to find a new way to deliver her training and none of the vendors on the "approved" list offered the service.

   “I asked procurement what I had to do to get the vendor approved,” explained Judy, “They said, ‘you can’t.The list is closed.’

Judy then asked if there was a may to make an exception. Again, procurement said no. If Judy feigned ignorance and hired the unapproved vendor anyway, she would be subject to a $10,000 fine.

            “I take it you didn’t get to do the project,” I  said.

            “ Actually,I did. After three weeks of bouncing from one division of procurement to another, someone finally told me that I could have the vendor put on the temporary approved vendor list I didn’t even know there was such a thing.”

            “ So was it worth all the effort to get the vendor approved ?”

“ Yes and no. Yes, because we added $35,000 to our bottom line that couldn’t have been possible without the new vendor. No, because it delayed the project three weeks, and by the time I finally got the vendor approved I had lost a lot of interest in the project. The fight just took too much energy. I’d never do it again.”

Hoping that this story would have a happy ending, I asked “ Was the vendor eventually able to move from your temporary approved list to the permanent list.”

"Of course  not. Our vendor list is closed. That vendor will never make the list and now the temporary approved list is gone.”

“Are you saying that no new vendors are ever allowed on the list?” I asked, wanting to make sure I understand the full implication of what Judy was saying.

“That’s what I’m saying.” confirmed Judy.

“How can that be? “ I asked, truly stunned. “  That seems to violate everything our economy is based on like free enterprise.”

Not according to our procurement department.  If asked, they’ll tell you, ‘we have all the vendors we’ll ever need’

Judy paused a moment and added, “ Aren’t we lucky?”

       NOTE: SID AND JUDY are pseudonyms to protect their jobs. The conversations are real.     

             

Booger On Your Nose

It was not a term that I was even vaguely familiar with. In fact, it was not a term I had ever heard before.

Prior to Tuesday, the term " Booger On Your Nose" has not appeared on my visual or verbal wordmap. I think I love it.

Here is what it's creator says it means: It's a phrase that describes a client who has asked you  to do to an assessment  of their team, culture ( pick your term) and then when you give them either negative feedback or "surprising" feedback, they discount what you've found."

In other words, " You have a Booger On Your Nose, would you like me to tell you about so you can get a Kleenex and remove the offensive item, or do you want to want me to say nothing and allow you to walk around with it.

Mostly its an inside word--a quick descriptor from one consultant to another to give a quick overview of the client.

A word of warning, some clients may not like to be categorized as having a booger on their nose. A New Jersey restaurant is finding out that many of its customers are not amused at its customer coding system.

"Two diners on a date at a fancy Jersey Shore restaurant were furious when they saw the check — which listed their table as that of the "Jew Couple."

Brooklynite Elliot Stein says he was shocked that a waitress at the Parkhill's Waterfront Grill in Allenhurst printed the slur instead of a table number on his $36.75 bill.

As if that weren't bad enough, the 23-year-old shoe buyer told The Post, the offensive phrase then turned up on his credit-card statement two weeks later. "

Once I was having lunch with a client and made the mistake of ordering a spinach salad. My teeth love spinach. So much so that spinach sticks like glue. Evidently during that lunch it stuck like glue to my front tooth.

The client said nothing. Did she think I would be more embarrassed to have the spinach stuck or to be told it was stuck?

I have a hunch she was the kind of client that wouldn't be pleased if I told her that there was a Booger On Her Nose.

Blogging Buddies

Today is Millie Garfield's 80th birthday. She is a blogger. She's been blogging for two years and if you want to give yourself a gift today, by all means stop by Millie's virtual birthday party and wish her a Happy 80th

Called my mom's blog, this is a joint effort of Millie and her son Steve Garfield  a videographer and incredible Vlogger.

In June Millie presented to an AMA ( American Marketing Association ) meeting on Blogging. It was the first time in her life that she had ever presented to "professionals". If you want to remind yourself  about the power of this communication vehicle, ,watch Millie.

At 80 she's talking about deadlines and how this medium has absolutely changed her life.

I learned about Millie through a blogging buddy, Toby Bloomberg -Diva Marketing. Toby is in town today presenting to a fortune 100 on blogging. We met at the Mall of America, had dinner, exchanged blogging thoughts and enjoyed our Caesar salads with calamari.

It was during our conversation that Toby mentioned that today was Millie's birthday. I had visited Millie's blog in the past based on Toby's online recommendation, but had not stopped by recently.

So thank you Toby for spreading the word and thank you Millie for sharing.

Happy Happy Birthday! As Millie says, " If you don't go out, nothing will happen."

After the Pink Slip

Chris knew the pink slip was coming. The timing was a bit of a surprise ,but not the actual firing. What was a surprise was the email the HR department sent out to the entire company after Chris left.

In the email the HR department said, "  Chris is no longer with the company and may contact some of you for a reference. Before you talk to anyone contact HR."

A former coworker forwarded the email to Chris. Chris was not happy, interpreting the email as a warning that Chris couldn't use anyone at the company as a reference.

While the wording of this email is clumsy at best, an HR  specialist explained what was going on. Bottom line, the company isn't really concerned about Chris and Chris's new job search.  No surprise the email was all about the company  covering its butt.

But not for the reasons Chris thought.

Just about one year ago,  Minnesota passed a law which protects employers who want to give  "honest, truthful references on past and present employees and follow the newly created ."

One of the provisions of this law is that the employer is only protected if specified people give the feedback. In other words, if someone who knows someone who knows someone calls and asks about Chris, those persons could be sued if they give negative feedback.

Likewise,a company that fails to share negative information could be sued for not providing a potential employer with pertinent information. Ouch. So much for Minnesota nice.

Hence the insulting email. What the HR consultant said would be a better approach is to send an email any time anyone leaves the company even if they leaving on positive terms,reminding the staff what the state law says and what the company policy on references is-- that way it doesn't look as if the company is trying to blackball anyone, even though it probably is.

NOTE: CHRIS is a pseudonym