Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line: FunnyBusiness

Schedule Chicken

Forget the company softball team. The real game being played in many corporations is known as Schedule Chicken-- a game where no one on a team wants to fess up that a project is going to be delayed. 

I had never heard of Schedule Chicken until last Friday. I am evidently way out of the loop on current corporate patois, Victor Stone wrote about Schedule Chicken back in 1999, saying that Microsoft was banning the practice. 

No way of knowing whether the good folks at Microsoft were successful at banning the game. However, according to my sources, Schedule Chicken is Alive and Well and living in the halls of corporations throughout the country.

"[Schedule Chicken] happens when two or more areas of a product claim they can deliver their features at a ridiculously early date because each assumes the other feature area team is lying even worse about how long it will take them to deliver their features. This charade marches forward past one psychedelic checkpoint after another until just before the goods are actually due. A more seasoned team lead will delay copping to what is painfully obvious for as long as humanly possible, hoping someone else will break first and jump out of their car. The ceremony where the team lead has to admit the emperor isn't wearing any clothes results in a tribal ritual that rivals Inca sacrifices, except that the virgin probably felt better about her fate. It is very difficult for the offending feature team to recover from being the furthest out on the schedule—because now that the truth is known, all everyone else has to do to look good is to finish just before that late team. Even if the schedule chickens end up beating the deadline, it is nearly impossible for the people on that team to beat the stigma of being unable to stay on a schedule."

According to Stone, Schedule Chicken is based on that famous scene in Rebel Without A Cause  where James Dean, Natalie Wood, and Corey Allen use hot rods and a cliff to play "chicken.'   In the movie,the participants take their hot rods and race towards a cliff. The first one to jump out before the car crashes over the cliff is "the chicken."

It is a dangerous game. In the movie, Corey Allen's jacket strap got caught on the car door and he went over the cliff.

Welcome back to work. Hope you had a restful Memorial Day.

A Call for Abbreviation Standardization

The question was, " What does 'T' stand for?"

Charlie had called, a bit embarrassed mind you, because he had been staring at a business card for the past five minutes and couldn't figure out what "T" stood for.

He said, " I know that "F" stands for fax and "C" stands for cell, but what is "T"? Is  that some kind of special PDA ? He was searching his brain to de-crypt the code. He came up short.

Charlie is obvious a "P" kinda guy because the "T" obviously stands for telephone. Charlie is one of those  folks who never calls it a telephone but rather a phone.  He also doesn't call it an automobile but rather a car.

Since he calls it a  phone, when he was faced with the "T" where he thought a "P" should be, he obviously had a brain fart. His brain simply couldn't decipher the code.

It's no wonder. Some people call it an "M' rather than a "C". Is that a regional deal? Most folks here in MInneapolis call it a cell, but there seems to be a crowd that calls it "my mobile."

Since this business card confusion came to my attention, I've noticed that we are in dire need of Abbreviation Standardization.

To substantiate, I took a random pile of business cards from my collection. There is absolutely no consistency whatsoever.

The top card on the pile  was from a health care organization. It has one phone number, in bold, no abbreviation.However, in the right hand column it has a second phone number and in lower case type the word "fax" follows the number.

Personally,  I prefer to have these designations precede the number.

The next card is from a financial advisor. His card has two BUS designations: ( one is toll free)

Next up is  a card for a woman who is an energy and health guide, sacred artist massage, alternatives for healing. She has two numbers on the card. No designations.

An independent consultant's card writes out  the words phone and fax. However, it turns out the number for the phone is actually her mobile which she keeps in her coat and rarely hears.

Next up ,another corporate card. This one uses the designaion TEL and  FAX before the numbers

Finally another independent whose card  simply reads: Office and Cell.

Now my friend Charlie got into trouble because the card he was staring out used the very graphically hip approach of one letter abbreviations.

The thing is  there are so many choices.

The T could have as easily been L. O, B or P

and the C could have been M,MO, P, W or B

Scroll down for code.

TGIF.

Code: L= Land Line. O=Office.B=business. P=Phone. M=Mobile.mo =mobile office.P =PDA, W= Wireless. B =Blackberry

Note: Charlie is a pseudonym. The conversation did take place on my w,b, c,m or mo depending on your abbreviation preference.

The Dilbert Effect

How happy is your office?  Many corporations invest thousands of dollars in surveys to take a pulse on organization's cultural health. According to consultant Rick Brenner of Chaco Canyon Consulting,you don't have to wait for a survey, just have to walk around your office and look for Dilbert.

Dilbert -- described on comic artist Scott Adams' homepage as a tech-head with "the social skills of a mouse-pad" -- has been around for almost 20 years and is as much a part of corporate culture as "re-engineering," "empowerment" and Myers-Briggs personality profiles.

If you are a manager of employees with a lot of Dilberts in your office -- beware! Those cartoons may be giving you a not-so-subtle message -- at least that's Rick Brenner's theory.

Brenner suggests that managers who want to find out how effective they really are should place less value on traditional surveys and "360" assessments because they likely fall prey to the "Hawthorne Effect"  where employees modify their behavior and attitudes because they know they are being measured.

To avoid the Hawthorne Effect, Brenner believes managers can better assess their effectiveness by looking at other factors, such as: number of posted Dilbert comics, percentage of posted Dilbert comics that involve Catbert the evil HR manager, percentage of posted Dilbert comics that involve the pointy-haired manager and percentage of desks with Dilbert calendars.

Brenner doesn't just rely on Dilbert to assess a company's corporate satisfaction level. He also recommends that managers look at  things like voluntary turnover, project lateness and percentage of used sick days, But, the message is clear: if your direct reports have offices full of Dilberts, they are definitely sending you a message, and it doesn't come with a smiley face.

Brenner says managers should not think they are off the hook just because the content of the Dilbert cartoon doesn't seem to have a direxct connetion to their office. "The content of Dilbert is not really that helpful [to managers]," says Brenner, "what is helpful is what people do with Dilbert. If there's a lot featuring the pointy-haired manager [the boss] on the walls, then its time for the organization to get some help.

As part of his work, Brenner will often do an office walk through to get a sense of the work environment. Too many lunches in waste paper baskets suggest people are eating by themselves at their desks. That says Brenner  suggests people are either overworked or not socializing with each other.

People who haven't brought personal items  like pictures or momentos into their office are  indicating they are not emotionally connected with their workspace.

So take a walk around the office today. The writing could definitely be on the wall.

Men work more?

Salary.com has just released a survey which claims that men work about an hour longer each day then women. According to the article featured on Netscape,

"The study seems to show that dual income families continue to follow the traditional husband-wife roles, with the wife continuing to take greater responsibility for the maternal role - spending about an hour and 20 minutes more each day maintaining the home and family, and about an hour less at work. "The results of the study are hardly surprising," says Lena Bottos, senior compensation analyst at Salary.com. "Women have made headway over the years in becoming equals in the workplace, however they are still primarily responsible for traditional housewife duties."

The article has an interesting chart which compares the amount of time men and women spend in a typical 24-hour period. It's worth the click to see it.

This report follows the release of a book earlier this year by Warren Farrell, Ph.D, Why Men Earn More which debunks assumptions that there is actually a pay gap between men and women.

Farrell contends while discrimination may occassionaly play a role, he says men and women make trade-offs that have an impact on earnings. In his book, he lists 25 different workplace choices that affect women's and men's incomes. Farrell's findings support the findings in this survey. He says men do put in more hours at work than women.

These findings are of course counter-intuitive to everything I believe in. I see the numbers. I believe they are real. But there's a part of me that thinks there's more to the story. I just don't know what it is.

Blame it on the Developer

By 7:00 AM,  Paula Baldwin, manager of public relations for Best Buy, had an email full of flags (no pun intended) requesting information about a Best Buy on RTE 3 in New Jersey that apparently was flying a tattered American Flag.

I called before she had had an opportunity to open any of the emails to find out what the flap was all about.

I told her. She said she would get back to me in 5 minutes. She got back to me in about 10.

The flag that was flying about 60 feet in the air right next to the Best Buy sign on RTE 3 became the object of attention this morning on MSNBC.

Don Imus, who simulcasts on both MSNBC and radio stations throughout the country, mentioned that ever since he had been doing the show from the MSNBC studios he had noticed that this flag was tattered.

Imus was not amused. While he did say he was not sure whether the flag was on Best Buy property he added, " "Isn't it against the law to fly a tattered flag?"

The more he got to thinking about it, the more annoyed he got. And so, he sent a camera crew out to show the TV audience exactly what the flag looked like.

It was a sad flag. Many would say it was a disgrace.

According to Imus and side kick Charles McCord,  this flag didn't just become tattered. It's been in a state of tatter for quite some time.

Imus suggested that Best Buy spend less time buying stuff manufactured overseas and spend more time respecting the American Flag.

Turns out the tattered flag is not on Best Buy property. According to Baldwin, Best Buy rents all of its property from development companies, and the flag belongs to the developers. The flag is their responsibility.

"Nevertheless", Baldwin said, "Best Buy is taking the flag down today and putting up a new one."

Asked who the developer is, Baldwin said that she didn't know.

Here's the thing.  Don Imus couldn't have been the only person who noticed the tattered flag. Given its location, it would be easy to assume that the flag belonged to Best Buy.

So given that scenario, why wasn't the staff of the Best Buy on RTE 3 concerned that a tattered American Flag was flying next to their name?

Didn't it occur to anyone working in this New Jersey store that it would not be a good thing for their company's image to be flying a flag in that awful condition?

Did they make calls to the developer and did the developer simply ignore their requests for a new flag?

And certainly Don Imus was not the only person who drives past that Best Buy every day to notice the flag was tattered. Did Best Buy get complaints? If they did,did they refer them to the developer?

It's great that the flag is being replaced. It would also be great to understand why it took Don Imus to get them to do it.

Blame it on the Telekinesis

Telekinesis--sometimes called psychokinesis (PK) is basically the ability to use your mind's energy to do stuff like bend spoons.

My son Noah thinks I have PK.  Not the harmless kind. Not the kind that amuses people at parties. Noah thinks I have an energy field that bends and twists the inner workings of any computer I ever touch.

The folks at Advanced Network Systems has even given the condition a name. It's called Telekinetic Telepathic Technologism.

Advanced Network Systems even has a test on their website that you can take to see if you have this condition.

Does YOUR Computer Know What You're Thinking?
Try this simple test:

1.	Think of a number between 1 and 10.
2.	Double that number.
3.	Add 8 to the result.
4.	Divide that number by 2.
5.	And finally, subtract your original number from the result.
6.	Take that number, and think of the corresponding letter in the alphabet. (For example, 1=A, 2=B, etc.)
7.	Think of a country that starts with that letter.
8.	Think of the next letter in the alphabet.
9.	Think of an animal that starts with that letter.
10.	Think of the color of that animal.
11.	to see if the computer knows what you're thinking

It's been exactly one week since Jalopy was put to rest and I became the proud owner of HP Widescreen laptop with the $200 rebate.

On Thursday, after three days of non-eventful computing, I had a moment of nostalgia. It occurred to me that Jalopy had been source of numerous posts on this blog and that with his demise I was losing a very rich source of storytelling.

That was Thursday morning. By Thursday evening, HP  widescreen laptop  had its first official crash. It froze and the only way I could reboot was by physically taking the battery out.

On Friday, it crashed again, and that black page popped up -- the one I had become so familiar with during Jalopy's days recommending to restart in 'safe mode'.

Maybe there is a rationale explanation. For now I'm sticking with PK.

Meanwhile, Noah has asked me to keep my hands of his DELL.

Cash Register Aerobics

"Sorry," said Zack. "I can't ring you up on this cash register. The club changed computer systems last week, and we're only allowed to use the cash register we're assigned to."

So even though the cash register Zach was standing next to was unoccupied, he couldn't use it.

Instead, he had to take my money, walk about 75 feet to the far end of the snack bar, ring up my order, walk back to the front of the snack area to  give me my change.

While the extra steps were probably good for Zach's health...adding at least 100 steps per transaction to the recommended goal of 10,000 steps a day, it added a good minute to my transaction.

Which wouldn't have been a bad thing, if there hadn't been five people in front of me in the line. So while Zach was piling on the steps and as the fifth person in line, this new policy meant it took an additional five minutes to get my non-fat medium cappuccino with a half shot of sugar free vanilla.

Since 95 percent of all customers placed their orders on my side of the snack bar, Zach was facing a lot of walking back and forth.

Zach was not a happy camper.

"So, why are you only allowed to use one specific cash register?" I asked.

Zach shrugged his shoulders, "They didn't tell us. It's just a new policy."

I wanted to know why the health club instituted the new computer/cash register policy, so I contacted the club manager. When I explained why I was calling, he very politely told me that he didn't care to discuss the new software, on or off the record.

For the next couple of days, I played the corporate version of Hot Potato. No one, but no one, wanted to talk about the new computer/cash register policy. Judging by their reaction you'd think I was trying to uncover a major corporate scandal. I just wanted to talk to them about their new software.

First, I tried to contact the home office of the health club, based in Denver. Denver said they knew nothing about the new computer system since it's not a corporate-wide change and referred me back to Minneapolis.

The local club spokesperson then assured me that the snack bar in my club is run by an outside organization; thus, the club really has nothing to do with the outside vendor's policies and procedures.

When I pointed out that the staff indicated that the new policy was club-wide, not just at the snack bar, the spokesperson suggested that I talk to the club's general manager. At that point I mentioned that he had already declined my offer to discuss the new computer system.

The Minneapolis spokesperson then offered to call the club manager and find out why he was being tight-lipped. Within 20 minutes she returned my call, saying the manager didn't want to talk to me because he was concerned I was going to make fun of the new policy.

"Well," I said. "He's right. I am laughing about it. Just go to the snack bar and you'll either laugh or cry at the insanity of making those people walk back and forth to ring up a sale."

With or without input from club officials, I can make some fairly safe assumptions about the one computer/cash register per employee policy. If they were having some problems with theft, or they were finding continuous mistakes, having an ability to track an employee's activities would be very helpful.

But, it's like kitchens. When I was growing up, my mom loved to visit new houses. While some people might judge a house by its entryway, windows or family room, my mother judges houses by kitchens. Very few received the Hanna Centor Seal of Approval.

Most of the time, she would leave the kitchen saying, "You can tell the architect was a man." That was code for, "The guy who designed the kitchen never spent much time cooking in the kitchen, or he would have known better."

So it goes with many new policies. If the people who designed the computer program actually spent some time seeing how it would be used, they might have observed there would be a "red flag" during snack bar implementation. They obviously didn't do that.

By the next week the cashiers had figured out a workaround. They were just sharing their employee IDs to use each other cash registers.

"Work is War"

A woman called into radio talk show host, Dr.Joy Brown asking  for some advice on how to handle a difficult work situation. Dr. Brown who is billed as "America's favorite radio psychologist" listened as the young woman talked about her job situation.

Working in a male dominant culture.

An influential co-worker had been criticizing her performance.

She was not feeling very good about the entire situation.

Her solution so far: avoid the guy .

Dr. Brown's advice:she was going about it all wrong. She was acting like a girl. According to Dr. Brown there's no room for feelings on the job. Work, according to Dr. Brown, is  all about performance.

Dr. Brown's advised the woman to meet with the guy and ask him what he thought she needed to do to improve her performance.

Then she shared a personal anecdote.

Years ago Dr. Brown was evidently having a difficult time at work. She was very upset. So upset that when she was invited to a dinner party she told people she had just met that night about her work situation.

The guy sitting next to her listened and then, instead of comforting her, said, "stop acting like a baby. Work is war. There's no room for feelings."

Dr. Brown liked that advice and recommended that all women pay attention.

I think it stinks. Not the part about talking with the co-worker and seeking his advice on how she could improve her performance. I thought that was great advice.

I just wish Dr. Brown hadn't turned it into a boy-girl thing. What I found incredibly depressing ( yes that's a feeling word) is that telling women they have to think like a man to succeed at work says that the way women think isn't good for business.

It's perpetuating the belief that women,no matter how many degrees they earn,no matter how many years they work and deliver the results, are biologically not as well suited for the business world.

Hasn't the dial moved one iota  since the 1960s?

As long as men are encouraged to believe that their way of thinking is more "naturally superior" for business success, the harder it will be for women to ever break the glass ceiling.

No wonder we're all so exhausted.  It's as if we have been climbing the hill, walking backwards for the past 30 years.

R.I.P.

Jalopy (February 5, 2002-May 15, 2005)

Jalopy, aka Sony Vaio laptop with docking station, died on Sunday, May 15, 2005 at approximately 8:30 pm. Jalopy had spent his final days in an exhausting  work marathon of non stop usage due to client deadlines.

At the time of his death, Jalopy was trying to complete an email transaction containing two vital files that Jalopy's owner had been working on throughout the weekend.

The files never made it. Despite multiple attempts to resuscitate Jalopy, all efforts to boot her up in the safe mode, failed.

For much of the night, Jalopy's owner was in complete denial - trying time and time again to see if she had the magic touch that would miraculously force Jalopy to start. She failed.

On May 16th, approximately 12 hours after the crash, the agents at Geek Squad made the official pronouncement.

" It's the hard drive. Do yourself a favor,buy a new computer."

I did. I also bought the service agreement.

While I am looking forward to my honeymoon with my new HP Wide-screen Laptop, I know ,with a life span of under three years, it won't be too long until HP becomes a beloved jalopy.

Follow The Leader

LEGEND:

Jalopy         Three-year -old Sony Vaio Laptop with Docking Station

Jalopy Jr.     Daughter Berit's three-year- old Macintosh laptop, missing several keys

There is a scene in the book On Mexican Time where the author leaves a manuscript on a park bench in a small town in Mexico. It's the early 80s when writers worked on typewriters and the only record of a document was what was on the printed page.

The lost manuscript represented two years of work. Lucky for him someone turned it into the local radio station ---seems in that small town the radio station doubled as the town's lost and found department. It was a defining moment in the book --this gesture of goodness helped the protagonist decide to leave L.A. and move to the quaint Mexican village.

I remember when I was reading it wondering why he hadn't made a copy of the manuscript. Certainly they had copy machines back in the early 80s.

I remember thinking, wow that is risky behavior

The Floppy Disk is today's park bench.

About six weeks ago  my son Noah came home for the weekend form the University of Wisconsin. He spent much of his time using Jalopy to finish a paper he had been working on for a psychology class. Moments before he was scheduled to leave to go back to school, he asked me to transfer the document onto his floppy disk.

Jalopy ate a piece of the floppy's metal . Noah's paper was lost. At the time I suggested he switch from the antiquated floppy to the new age USB storage device. 

In a piece of motherly advice I  also suggested that from now on he should probably send himself an email with important documents before he used any removable device to yank them from his computer.

The Email as Today's Local Radio Station

Noah called last night - it was about three minutes after I discovered the document that I thought was safely stored on my trusty USB Storage Device  as I was transferring it rom Jalopy Jr to Jalopy had now disappeared. I was not happy.

We chatted about this summer and Noah expressed his condolences about my lost document.

Before hanging up he offered this piece of filial advice, "You know, mom," he said, "When you are working on an important document you should email a copy to yourself for an added backup."

By the tone of his voice I knew he didn't remember the source of this pearl of wisdom.

He was right. If only I had sent an email, I would have felt like the guy in On Mexican Time when he walked into the radio station and they handed over his lost document.

Instead I need to write a note to myself:

Sometimes you give people great advice, now try following it.