Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line: FunnyBusiness

The bastardization of the centaur

Just when you think there isn't another thing to say about the "low interest category" of the stapler, turns out there is. Today's stapler installment focuses on the European Stapler trends and uses.

Europeans buy and use staplers quite differently than those of us who inhabit the 48 contiguous + 2.

 Viva La Difference!

• Europeans don't go to the store to buy staplers - they buy them out of a catalog
• Europeans don't leave the staplers on the desk when they staple - they pick them up and staple in their hands explaining why Europeans typically staple fewer pages together than the Yanks
• European staplers house half as many staples as the American counterpart but they are still sold in boxes of 500
• European staplers outside of the UK have a plier-like design
• Almost every country in Europe has its own size staple which means if you are working in Hungary with your Italian stapler you better bring your own supply

My interest in the European  stapler goes back two weeks. That's when I discovered the Centor Stapler.  It caught my eye because, typically, I don't find products that share my namesake. Especially desk porducts.

What I found more unusual is that the Centor Stapler was part of a product line that included Odyssey, Ulyssey, Matador, Sirius and Jupiter.

"So," I asked Vlad Levitksy, ACCO European Product Manager
for Stapling," Do people in the UK go into stores and ask for a
Centor Stapler?"

Levitsky, " People in the UK do their stapler shopping via catalog. So we created names to make it easier for them to shop."

Added Vlad, " The office super store hasn't made it big over here."

Okay, but I still didn't understand where in the world they came up with the name Centor.  " Hey Vlad, " I asked, " Does Centor mean something in the UK that it doesn't  mean here?"

Oh, the moment of sweet truth. Vlad explained that the company had decided to go with a mythical theme for their stapler names (to make it easier when ordering from the catalog). ACCO wanted to name it the Centaur, but found that it would be too difficult to trademark.

"We came up with Centor because it's close to Centaur, and there are no trademark issues." Vlad confirmed, " It's just a bastardization of centaur."

So much for my last name. Might I possibly interest you in an Elana candy bar? 

The Job Test

"They handed me a pen and paper," Tom said. At that point we both broke out in almost hysterical guffaws right in the middle of  Starbucks.

Wanting to make sure I heard this correctly, I repeated, " They handed you a pen and paper and expected you to use them for the writing test."

For the past seventeen years, Tom has been  working as a freelance writer  while his wife moved around the country pursuing the corporate ladder. Now  safely ensconced back in Minnesota, Tom's been thinking it might be nice to have a permanent job.

The problem is before you get a permanent job you have to go on job interviews.

Tom was particularly interested in the job to become a speechwriter for the high tech company.

The  company makes its money selling and servicing PCs. After sending in his application, Tom hears nothing for five weeks.

Tom thinks they've hired someone else but really doesn't know because he never heard a peep.

Then there is a request for writing samples. Tom says, " No problem" and sends them via email.

A week later, he goes in for his first interview. It goes really well and they immediately schedule a second interview which they say  will include a writing test.

" I guess they wanted to make sure I didn't have gnomes back in my office writing this stuff."

A few days later, Tom is escorted into a conference room and given a piece of paper that describes the assignment. He is told he will have 30 minutes to write the sample speech.

He reads it, he understands it,and then wonders when they are going to take him to the computer. He is, after-all in a computer-less conference room.

That's not what they intended. Instead, they hand him a tablet and pen and say, we'll be back in 30 minutes.'

That's right. They high tech company that has made its millions in the PC market hands a job applicant a pen and paper and says, "start writing."

What were they thinking? You can only guess. Maybe they assume writers prefer paper and pen? Maybe its like a drug test and the company wants to make sure that he is the actual writer of the material .

Since that is hard to do via a computer ( if he were really crafty he could send an email to his alter-ego who could send back the complete assignment prior to the deadline)

Maybe the computer wants to capture his handwriting so they can go to a handwriting expert for a personality analysis.

Maybe it's really a wonder moment --one of those rare opportunities when, as a job applicant, you get to stare directly into the belly of the beast they call their corporate culture.

NOTE: Tom's name has been changed. He's still on the job hunt.

Where have all the secretaries gone?

In the 1970s I received a long stem rose for Secretary's Day. At the time I was a reporter at a television station. The management decided to send the flowers to the "girls" in the news room because they were concerned that we would feel slighted if the "girls" in sales got flowers and we didn't.

It's been five years since Secretary's Day officially became Administrative Professional's Day.  In case you are curious as to the perfect gift on this day of lunches and roses, The IAAP FAQ page provides some detailed suggestions. My favorite -- pay for your admin's membership in a professional organization.

However, I think most admin's would appreciate the gift given by the folks at the nonbillable hour.

"Several years ago, I told my secretary she could fire one client, no questions asked. After she picked herself off the floor, she chose a client that surprised me. Turns out that this client, while perfectly cordial to me, was consistently rude to her on the phone and made inappropriate comments to her when he came into the office. I sent the client a nice letter telling him I would be unable to represent him any longer, and my secretary told me it was one of the best presents she had ever gotten."

While there are some who may scoff at the name change from Secretaries Day to Professional Admin Day, they are not the only jobs that have gotten a namelift.

A couple of years ago I was chatting with my then 80-year old father and mentioned something about human resources.

He was clueless. When I described the job, he said, " You mean personnel."

Now, there are some in human resources that are called Human Capital Specialists. People don't have supervisors or managers, they have leaders. And of course its verboten to call a janitor a janitor. They are custodians or better yet domestic engineers. As my 16 year old daughter Berit explained, " the administration at school told us to call them engineers because they change light bulbs."

You  can't make this stuff up. Berit did add, " we still call them janitors."

In case you are tired of your current job title and would like a namelift, take a moment to visit the job title generator at Bulls&#tJob.com.

It may not be as classy as a long stem red rose, but it should make you smile.

A Chat with the Queen of Opinions aka Opinionistas

About a month after starting her blog, Opinionistas ,it caught the eye of Gawker -the hippiest of the hip, the trendiest of the trendy, the blog that strikes blogger envy in anyone who wants to be blogging for dollars.

In the blogosphere, being tapped by Gawker is like the ingenue in the 1950s sipping on a phosphate at the lunch counter at Schwab's Drug Store  and being "discovered" by a Hollywood Agent.

Until that Gawker nod, Opinionistas had welcomed a mere 500 visitors to her blog.  After Gawker shared a snippet of her entry called Bad Medicine, a thunderous 10,000 Gawker devotees clicked into Opinionistas to read more about the employment lawyer who is telling all about her employer.

"A friend recently told me that he passed out cold in the office because he hadn't been home to sleep in 3 days and he was too busy to eat anything that morning. As the paramedics loaded him onto a stretcher, the third-year associate he was working for benevolently informed him that he "could take the weekend off." 

You won't find an email address to contact Opinionistas. You won't find any information about the person behind the blog. You won't find any alluring photographs.

That's because every time Opinionistas pens a post about the activities in her prestigious New York Law Firm she is taking a walk on the wild side--risking being "outed"  and potentially being hoisted on her own petard.

Opinionistas works for a New York employment law firm that is currently being retained by several corporate clients who want to create new employment policies banning, you guessed it, employee blogging.

The irony is not lost on Opinionistas who has her defense worked out in case she is caught blog-handed.

" My argument [for not getting fired] is that I do not name the firm and I don't name anything specific," explained Opinionistas. "It's not like I work for Starbucks and am writing about Starbucks."

Of all the current cases of people being fired for blogging, Opinionistas is watching the case of the Delta flight attendant most closely.  Says Opinionistas, " If it were a pilot posing in a Speedo you can bet he wouldn't have been fired."

Opinionistas insists she doesn't have any vendettas, she just loves to write. What the Gawker visitors may not have realized is that Opinionistas is not just a blog about being in the trenches of a New York Law firm.

"I know it would be easier to market if I only wrote about the latest horrible thing that happened in the law firm."

Instead, insists Opinionistas, "There is so much more to my life than being a lawyer." And she wants to use her blog to share it.

Maybe.

Opinionistas has had a taste of overnight success. She knows the Gawker audience is probably more interested in what happens at the "The Firm" then her life outside "The Firm".

Two weeks after the initial Gawker splash, Opinionistas insists she will continue to blog as originally planned.

At the same time,she also acknowledges that she wants blogging traffic and blogging success.

Opinionistas opines about the bloggers like Stephanie Klein who have parlayed their tell-all and show -all blogs into book deals.

"I know if I could have pictures of myself, it would increase the hits," says a pragmatic Opinionistas referring to Ms. Klein's photo album that consists all things Stephanie. "Of course I can't do that."

In the end will Opinionistas stick to her plan and write about her life-even if it means less traffic to her blog ?

Or, now that she's had a taste of blogging fame, will the desire for a traffic jam be too compelling  to resist?

Being a victim of blogger envy myself, I'd put my money on posts that create a traffic jam. We'll see.

The Case of the Mistaken Feedsharks

In the world of blogs there is feedshark and feedshark. Say them out loud and they are as different as Catherine and Katherine.

Look them up on Google and the giggles begin.

Before last week I had never heard of either shark. Now it seems I have gotten the two terribly confused.

Is this a case of one feedshark trying to, in the words of Harvey Mackay,p>

Outsell, Outmanage, Outmotivate, and Outnegotiate Your Competition?

Or is the situation more dolphonic. (I know dolphonic is not really a word but I like the way it sounds. I think its a good word to describe someone or something that exudes dolphin like behavior.

The dolphin is most often thought of as a friendly animal and treated with love and respect. They are curious and playful, and highly intelligent. They live together in groups, and look after each other.

So here's how the case of The Mistaken Feedshark occurred. You be the judge if this is just a case of two services in the same industry with the same name, or is it something a bit more fishy?

Last week I shared a post from DIVA marketing  about a new service that allows you to submit your RSS feed to multiple feed search engines.

Thinking that some of my readers might not know what an RSS feed is, I thought it might be a community service to link to Feedshark's website which does provide an explanation of all things RSS.

May I digress for a moment? Just to emphasize the need for this education I received an email from my friend Harold yesterday.

"Been reading it on and off…caught up on this week's articles…overall they are funny and good…but I got to tell you the RSS ones have me stumped. What IS an RSS? For those of us that do not have blogs…haven't the faintest idea"

So here is an explanation  from feedshark.com for those of you who are not up to speed on RSS.

RSS is a format for syndicating news and the content of news-like sites, including major news sites like Wired, news-oriented community sites like Slashdot, and personal weblogs. But it's not just for news. Pretty much anything that can be broken down into discrete items can be syndicated via RSS: the "recent changes" page of a wiki, a changelog of CVS checkins, even the revision history of a book. Once information about each item is in RSS format, an RSS-aware program can check the feed for changes and react to the changes in an appropriate way.

RSS-aware programs called news aggregators are popular in the weblogging community. Many weblogs make content available in RSS. A news aggregator can help you keep up with all your favorite weblogs by checking their RSS feeds and displaying new items from each of them.

Now back to The Case of the Mistaken Feedshark.

When I decided to provide this background information I went to Google to find the URL for Feedshark. Thinking that feedshark.com and feedshark were one in the same, I linked to feedshark.com

Had Tomas not posted a comment on my blog alerting me to the fact that my feedshark link was not the same as the DIVA's, I would have been none the wiser.

Evidently I'm not the only one who is a bit amused by the shark similiarity.

Tim Yang also found the situation a bit ironic.See his post for Sunday April 24th.

Once I realized that it was a bit unusual for two services/organizations/companies in the same field to have the same name, it dawned on my that there might be more to this story..

I've sent emails to the two feedsharks asking for an explanation. I'm patiently awaiting their response.

Getting the Hang of RSS

One of the blogs that I get an RSS feed for is Diva Marketing.  I like it a lot. As I was quickly scanning what the Diva has been writing about this week, I saw an entry that caught my eye, Feed Your Blog to The Shark. The Diva was passing along information about a tool that submits your blogs RSS feed to about twenty different services.

Since RSS has been top of mind this week, I was more than eager to go to Feed Shark and find out what it was all about.

I started submitting my blog to the various RSS feed services. After submitting my blog to two or three services, I got to one that wanted the URL for my RSS feed instead of the URL for my blog.

I do not have the URL for my RSS committed to memory.  So I went to the help section of Typepad to find it.

This is how the help manual described how I would create the URL

The RSS feed for the weblog is located:

http://example.typepad.com/blog/index.rdf

Now, I ask you. Are those instructions clear and understandable? Maybe to the technically gifted that explanation explains exactly what you are supposed to do.

But, to those of us who are technically challenged, that explanation is a pain. I had to do too much guessing. Did example mean the name of my blog? Or is example some RSS lingo that I don't know anything about.

I guessed that I should replace the word "example" with the name of my blog.

But, what about the word "blog" in the URL? That was more problematic. Was that a generic term  that's included in all RSS URLs? Or, was I supposed to replace the word "blog"  with the name of my blog.

Fortuneately I knew if I right clicked on the the icon for my RSS feed that is displayed on my blog, I could check the URL in Properties.

Sure enough, I saw that  I was indeed supposed to substitute the name of my blog for the word "blog."

Now, Typepad could have saved me so much time and fretting if they had just taken into consideration that some of us do better when we see an example.

It could be as simple as saying,

"If your blog is called FunnyBusiness , your RSS URL would be:

http://funnybusiness.typepad.com/funnybusiness/index.rdf

If you have an additional blog on your account that's called Corporately Incorrect, its RSS URL would be:

http://funnybusiness.typepad.com/corporatelyincorrect/index.rdf

Now how hard would that be?

RSS for Dummies

Some of my friends think I am early adapter of all things techno. They really have the wrong chick. I may use a Blackberry but I haven't programmed the speed dial. I have a digital mini disc recorder and I know there's a way to create tracks so it will be easy for me to find certain information, but even after reading the owner's manual I really don't understand how to do it.

I haven't done a podcast yet either. In fact, I've only listened to one and truth be told, I didn't get it. It's on my list of things I need to learn ( I did read that learning new tasks is a good prevention for Alhzeimers)

The thing is, I'm a hands on learner. So reading how to do something is not the best way for me to embrace the data. What I need is my own personal technology trainer.

True confession. Although I have been blogging since June, I just set up my RSS feed this week.  I have been feeling less than when it comes to RSS for some time. Now that I have it, I'm not feeling that much better about it. I think these things take time.

My RSS reader is through PLUCK - which I think is more than an RSS.It has RSS ,I am getting feeds,and I like the name, PLUCK.

Anyway, I was very relieved today to see that there's now a free report that will tell explain the business case for RSS. It's  got a very catchy title. It's called The Business Case For RSS.

From the news release it seems that not everyone is embracing alll things RSS.

"We were really surprised to see the conclusions of one of the recent Jupiter Research reports on RSS, which clearly showed that marketers have a fundamentally flawed impression of RSS. In a way, this report serves as a counter initiative to clearly showcase what can be done with RSS.«

One of such miss-conceptions is the belief that RSS cannot be used for direct marketing, due to the lack of appropriate metrics, personalization and targeting. However, RSS does offer all of these features and many others needed by direct marketers."

Not sure if the RSS controversy is going to be as heated as other blog issues such as whether bloggers are real journalists or whether character blogs should or shouldn't be used to market companies.I would like to hear your thoughts and comments, and of course, your advice.

Funny Numbers

Science was never my favorite subject in school. Some might say that makes me very female stereotypical. So be it. However, when it comes to research data you can't beat a great scientific foundation.

When I saw the headline on Netscape that said "Most Men's No. 1 Desire at Work"  I immediately clicked to read more.

The statistics seemed a bit funny to me.

On job goals

Over 75% of men say supervising others is their greatest goal compared to 64% of women who have the same goal.

On making lots of money

56% men

45% women

On what makes them feel best at work

Nearly 50% of men say having a job with high social status and power

35% of women say having a job with high social status and power

The article included  the prerequisite interview with a psychologist who provided some analysis of the numbers. Her findings? Since women don't have as lofty business goals we have better work-life balance.  In the words of John Stossel, Give Me a Break.

The survey was conducted by Tickle,Inc.   Which from their website gives the impression that they are to research firms what the National Enquirer is to legitimate news gathering organizations.

Actually, I'm not sure that Tickle actually conducted a survey as much as offered a survey that people could take online.

That makes a big difference.The numbers may be a fair representation of the results of their online survey but that doesn't mean they are a fair representation of the attitudes of American employees.

So while the headline may scream that men's number one desire at work is to supervise others,  remember boys and girls, you can't always believe what you read.

No Free Lunch

The orthodontist asked his friend to help develop a direct marketing campaign to increase his client base. The friend contacted me.

"Talk about synchronicity, I said, (I've been very big on synchronicity this week), "I 've been doing research on orthodontists for an article I'm writing for the Chicago Tribune about the fact that the fastest growing segment in adults who wear braces are folks who qualify for AARP.( the link is only good until April 25th, after that it's in the archives).

"Well," said my friend, " He wants to do a direct mail piece to drum up business."

We talked. I shared my viewpoint. I didn't think that direct mail would be  effective since the majority of people either relied on dentist referral or referrals from friends. 

I said if he were introducing a revolutionary product or treatment then direct marketing might be okay, but for a general, please come get your braces here message, I didn't think direct mail was a good idea.

We met with the orthodontist. I suggested we begin with research to get a better understanding of why he wasn't getting as much business as he wanted. I outlined a plan that would include interviews with staff, referring dentists, patients ,and people who had come in for a consultation but had not selected this particular orthodontist.

From that, I would be able to develop key messages that would be relevant to his target audience.

He agreed to do the research. I began working.

Then came the first email. He and his staff were uncomfortable with having me interview dentists. They were concerned it would send up a Red Flag that their practice was in trouble.

He said in his email,

"We cannot change everything we do to accommodate a very challenging group of dentists who will not change referral patterns unless their present practioner(s) screws up. They don't read what we send them anymore than patients do and most don't care about results since they assume everyone gets roughly equal outcomes. Unless they hear negatives from their patients, they won't change. Logic and quality has  little to do with it. While dentist interviews will be helpful in exposing my flaws and those of my practice, I see little to be gained in changed referral patterns even if said deficiencies are remedied. I want your efforts to be directed toward obtaining that data which is most likely to produce results."

You'd think that after 25 years  of doing this kind of work, I would have learned my lesson. You'd think after 25 years I would know that this project was going absolutely no where but south.

But no. I persisted.  I said I understood and could work around the dentist issue.

Then came the phone call. He had just received a solicitation from a company that guaranteed results. They said  they guaranteed profits or he would pay nothing.

Then the question.  "Can you guarantee that what you'll do for me will result in profits?"

It was a Gotcha moment. Of course I couldn't guarantee something that I had no control over.At that point I didn't know why he wasn't getting the business he wanted. Were people not going to him because of his personality?

The attitude of his staff?

The hours or location of his office?

I made one last ditch effort to save the business. I said while the direct mail may bring you new clients, I was concerned about the potential collateral damage. 

Just as he was concerned that interviewing dentists might send a message of desperation, I cautioned that sending a "canned" direct mail piece might send a similar message to his target audience. For every client he gained, I warned, there might be 10 more who questioned his competency.A canned direct mail piece could damage his reputation and image.

Not surprisingly, he didn't take my advice. Hope springs eternal when someone promises a free lunch. Then again, many of us learned a long time ago that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

I probably will never know whether his canned lead generation program was effective.  Oh, but I did send him an invoice for time spent on the project. 

I doubt I will see a payment, in fact, I could almost guarantee it.

Are you jokin' me?

On the day she turned 16, Rikki had a  tough decision to make.Should she apply for the job at the Video/DVD store and get to watch movies all day, or should she apply for the job at the coffee shop and make more money?

Having never had a job before, Rikki wasn't sure how to weigh her options. Ultimately,She opted for the coffee shop.After the hour -long training session she was extremely enthused, telling everyone, "I'm going to love this job."

The honeymoon didn't last. As fast as you can say, 'I'll have a grande no-fat latte,'Rikki was second -guessing her decision to work in the coffee shop.

After just one shift, Rikki sounded like a veteran employee who was well-schooled in the world of the working weary. She had no tolerance for the customers--they're rude. She was amazed  that her manager had told her one thing in the interview and now was saying something entirely different, and she had already learned there were some co-workers she needed to avoid.

  It was a very educational 4 hours.

On Customers - General

"Why can't customers order their drinks,correctly?" she said.

"There's a right way to order?" I asked in astonishment.

" Yes," Rikki explained, "on the cash register I have to punch in the type of drink first, then size, then special requests. So the right way to order would be a latte, medium, half and half."

"I don't say it that way. I would say I want a medium cappuccino with a half shot of sugar free vanilla."

"Well, it's not the right way." Rikki insisted.

On Customers-Specifically

So this lady orders a drink I've never heard before a breve something or other and it has half and half. That's half caf, half de-caf.

When I ring it up she tells me that I've charged too much. So I bring the manager over and this woman insists that we are charging her 20 cents more than every other coffee shop. 

We weren't. But she kept going on and on that at every other coffee shop its $4.28 and she can't understand why we are charging $4.48.

Then she says, ' Maybe taxes are higher here.' "

She didn't leave a tip.

On Management

"When I applied for the job  I thought the manager was so nice. No one likes her. They said you can't trust her.

I told her I couldn't work on Wednesday afternoons or Sunday mornings. So when does she schedule me?  Wednesday afternoons and Sunday mornings.

Are you jokin' me?"

On Co-workers

"So there was this great guy that I was looking forward to working with but he got fired because of the Tattle-tale."

"What happened?"

Well, he was house sitting and had to let the dog out so he left work for 10-15 minutes .Tops.  He asked her if it was okay and she said yes and then she told.So he got fired. Are you jokin' me?

Guess who I have to work with on Saturday?"

On Tasks

"We have to clean constantly." If I had worked at the movie store I would just have to restock the shelves.  I could handle that. I really don't like sweeping.

I'm going to give this job to the end of the summer, if things don't improve, I'm looking for another job."

Note: Rikki is not her real name.The conversations are very real. I want to hear your story. Just send me an email and we can talk. I will protect your identity. The purpose of this column is to share stories about business culture and jobs. We don't want anyone to get The Pink Slip for sharing stories on a blog.