FunnyBusiness: Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line

What's UP?

My intention today was to do a story on a UPS strategy to avoid left turns. Thought it was timely since I am expecting a visit from the UPS.

Turns out  that no right turns  not only saves time by is very fuel efficient. CNN ran a story about it this morning(video includes a Chase commercial) and digg has an article about it as well.

That made me wonder if UPS only goes left, what about FED EX? Couldn't find that answer but that did lead me to this in my Google search. An entry that asked the question: "If Fed Ex and UPS merged would they become Fed UP? "

Which then led me here. to a a piece on the word UP.  I normally don't post other people's complete posts but in this case, you would have to scroll down a rather long page to find it.

So here it is, David Bar-Tzur's take on UP.

There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word it's UP. It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP.

Gray skies are gonna clear up,

You know when John Stewart leads his program with a clip that the intention of this  spot didn't quite hit the mark. Either the people who created this commercial just took a class in Advertising 101 where the professor demanded they figure out their "real benefits OR, actually, there isn't an "Or" that could possibly explain this asinine commercial. What were they thinking? . Click here to watch.

As I am sure the folks at WTWO are learning now that they've become the laughing stock of the country, is that when someone says "real benefits" what they mean is "benefits" that the target audience cares about.

While the folks at WTWO are probably "taking a meeting' today to figure out whether to pull the spot, apologize to their competitors, or just grin and bear the public ridicule,one thing is for sure, this spot will live in Advertising Infamy as one of the the worst commercials ever.

When Business gives you lemons....Merchandise it,baby!

Yesterday, I shared the story of Henderson Bas aka TheNiceAgency about a nasty email their CEO sent to staff regarding the need to clean the office.

Instead of hoping the  episode would simply disappear into the night, the agency did what has become a North American tradition--sell merchandising.

Shortly after the scandal broke, the agency changed it's home page to:

It was either very popular or the agency has a great sense of humor.

And not to be out, Cafepress has a complete line of products commemorating the episode.

Tags: FunnyBusiness, advertising, merchandising, business culture, work, employment

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"I love my job. I love my job. I love my job"

Found this on flickr when I was doing some research for a post on business culture for Blogher. Thank you pcurtain!

Thought it was the perfect way to start the week.

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Notes From The Road-Baxter MN

Name

In less than four hours I am going to have to plug my client's projector into my HP Pavillion laptop computer and conduct a three- hour workshop on marketing for nonprofits.

Normally the thought of plugging a projector into my computer wouldn't cause me angst. But then, that was before both my Blackberry and iPod fritzed after electronic copulation with said laptop.

On the superstitious scale I'm probably a 1.5

I don't throw salt over my shoulder, but I do knock on wood.

I have no problem opening an umbrella in my own house, but would never open it in someone else's...just in case they are superstitious.

Breakng a mirror doesn't freak me out but having both a Blackberrry and an iPOD have their collective electronic brains fried after an interaction with my computer does cause me to pause.

Greetings from Baxter, MN. I'm on the road this week, conducting a series of marketing workshops for nonprofits in Northern Minnesota and Northwestern Wisconsin.

Knowing that I will be  Blackberry-less  for my entire road trip is a challenge for me. Okay, it's actually more than a challenge. I am having Blackberry withdrawal. It's not so bad when I'm in my hotel room -- I have access to email via my computer, but the two hour drive to Baxter was unnerving. 

It was only after I started thinking how nice it would be to have a pack of cigarettes-- a vice I gave up almost 30 years ago that-- I realized I was addicted to that Blackberry.

Now the desire to pick up a pack of Virginia Slims may have been my minds way of transferring my Blackberry withdrawl symptoms to my more potent withdrawl symptoms to nicotine,or it could have been enhanced because my ALAMO rented SUV definitely has a tobacco infused aroma to it.

Either way, as soon as I saw the Golden Arches I decided to feed my other serious addiction ---caffeine-- the idea being if at least one addiction was taken care of , I could cope with the others.

The strategy worked.

But I was unsettled and when the directions I used from Mapquest took me to a deadend road my superstitious meter had cranked up to 3. Using my backup cell phone I tried to call 411 to get the right directions

Unfortunately, Baxter is part on my extended coverage area and instead of getting directory assistance, I connected with SPRINT's automated customer service center. Despite banging on the ZERO numerous times, the auomated system insisted that I give them my cell phone number.

I was thrilled to learn that my current balance with SPRINT is Zero which is great news since my carrier is Verizon Wireless. After about five minutes I finally got a customer service rep who insisted that the reason I was being routed to SPRINT was because there was a block on my service.

I was now hovering at 5 on the my superstitious-o-meter. I was not liking how things were going. And, of course it had started to snow.

I  finally gave up trying to get Sprint to understand what happened, and hightailed it over to the Super America where a customer gave me the right directions to my hotel.

The clerk at the hotel explained that the bad directions were due to the fact that the city had given the hotel a new  street address last year and the online services hadn't had time to update their systems.

Changing street numbers is not something I've ever heard of before. I asked the clerk why the city did this, he didn't know. I don't think he cared as much as I did.

All I can say is if you are heading to the Hawthorn Inn & Suites in Baxter,ignore Mapquest's suggestion to take a right on Meredith Road. You don't want to go there.

I got into my room just fine but as I was unpacking I realized that I was sans contact lens container and much more upsetting --I had walked out of my house without my moisterizer.

My superstiticious meter is now at an alarming 7.

Make that 9. I just tried to spell check this post and spell check is on the fritz.

Anyone want to place bets on the lifespan of that projector?

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Duct Tape, Tampons, Holiday Cheer

Now, you would anticipate that duct tape lovers would have all sorts of ideas of how duct tape can help through the holidays...there's the holiday bow and the elf outfit and a host of other ideas on Jim and Tim's website ( the guys who brought you the Duct Tape Books)

However, this year the prize for innovative holiday home decorating goes to the folks at tamponcrafts.com. Check out the site for instructions  on how to make your tampon angel, menorah, snowflake, lights and silver bells.

As the web site says,

"Your period comes every month, but Xmas comes only once a year. So bring that menstrual joy to this holiday season with these tampon tree decorations. From a string of tampon lights to a star at the top of the tree, feminine hygiene has never been so festive! "

God Bless American Ingenuity.

Wag The Dog Fa La La La La La La La La

Oy. It started during Sunday lunch with my parents. My mom was irate: why were retailers insisting on calling it Holiday Shopping instead of Christmas Shopping?

"You're upset about this?" I asked,somewhat surprised and I might add  very confused since my mom, born in Israel, has never had a Christmas Tree, attended a cookie exchange, gone Christmas caroling or even sent anyone a Christmas Card. She opts for the very secular Seasons Greetings.

It wasn't until much later in the day that I figured out where her outrage was coming from--- She, like many octagenarians ( okay she won't be 80 until March)  are Fox News Devotees.

Fox has been wagging the dog concerning a mythical  War on Christmas for the past year--charging secular progressives are behind a plot to destroy our country.FOX is making a convoluted connection with the trend  of retailers to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas to all things evil .

Using the logic that smoking weed will lead to heroin addiction, these pretend war advocates claim that saying Happy Holidays instead of  Merry Christmas somehow promotes legalized abortion, drug addiction and gay marriage.

If my mom is any gauge of their success, they are winning this mythical war. As my daughter would say...annoying.

Now, from a retail perspective--if businesses start going into the "red" by advertising Ho HO Holidays instead of Merry Christmas then Merry Christmas it will be.

For retailers, its all about the 'green"--show them the money and the advertising will follow. It's not complicated.

USA TODAY has two editorials on the controversy. The left deals with the issue of the pretend war while the right deals with constitutional freedoms.

T. Jeremy Gunn ACLU Program on Freedom of Religion and Belief  opens his editorial with anecdote of what happened last year when a protest group came caroling at the ACLU's Washington Offices.

"To tell the truth, the ACLU is not often serenaded by Christmas carolers. So it was with some excitement that the staff went outside and joined in the singing. They brought with them cookies and warm drinks to share. One staff member, who is an ordained Baptist minister, did a little witnessing about his faith to some astonished proponents of family values.

Fox News did broadcast the event (as a part of its "war against Christmas" campaign). Although the visiting singers were shown, the cameras failed to include any footage showing that everyone had participated in the caroling. Rather than reporting the facts, the anchor preferred the propaganda: "We believe the ACLU heard the message loud and clear, but they don't care."

Randy Singer, author of The Judge Who Stole Christmas writes that the law doesn't mandate a secular Christmas

."...if we eliminate religious symbols from the public square, can the Christmas holiday itself be far behind? This is the specter of Christmas future. Let's not pretend. Christmas is a national holiday with religious roots that ultimately extend back to a manger in Bethlehem. If we want to preserve the Christmas holidays tomorrow, public officials today should continue the tradition of displays reflecting the diversity of our society — both religious and non-religious.

Under our Constitution, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging the historical origins of a religious holiday. Elected officials and federal judges are not required to replace our pluralistic society with an atheistic one.

We are a diverse people with rich religious traditions. There should be room in the square for us all

Which of course is what the retailers are trying to do by saying Happy Holidays in their advertising-- they are trying  to make room for all of us.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukah! And to quote T. Jeremy Gunn from his editorial,   "and for believers in all other traditions: Thank you for enriching our world!

The Bold and The Beautiful

File this under who knew ? The TV Soap Opera The Bold And The Beautiful  could be the solution to frustrated customers who are now forced to deal with customer service representatives whose command of American English is sub par, at best.

I would never have known what a fantastic training tool The Bold and The Beautiful really is unless I had not chatted with Simon, yesterday's technical support person at Verizon wireless.

Simon--who was exemplary--sent me an email to confirm the problems we were working on with my Blackberry had been corrected. When the email arrived it said it was from Muhammad.

Thinking he changed his name because of potential Muslim backlash, I asked if that is why he went by Simon.

Turns out it has less to do with racism and more to do with Indian customs.

According to Simon, in India, it is common practice for people to go by their middle names. Simon's middle name starts with an "s" but evidently Americans are too enunciated-challenged and can't  say his name. So,  he selected Simon to accommodate our inabilities. Thank you.

I also realized that I would be up the creek in India. I have no middle name. Aside from monograms it hasn't poised a big problem  in my life, but then I don't live in India where evidently it would be very problematic.

Hoping he would take this as a compliment, I said something to the affect, " You know Simon ,I talk to lots of people from India on a regular basis(I much more regular than I care to do) and you just don't sound like you were raised there."

Simon chuckled and said, " my secret is The Bold And The Beautiful."  To perfect his accent,Simon would watch the soap and practice saying the lines out loud.

It worked. So here's my suggestion. Throw out the standard English language training classes  and start showing The Bold And The Beautiful at work.

It's an inexpensive win-win. The corporations will be creating goodwill from employees who will appreciate the entertainment  and at the same time it will be professional development that customers will benefit from by having customer service representatives that they don't have to constantly say, " I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

In fact, showing The Bold and The Beautiful could actually add dollars to the bottom line. .I'm sure that some financial type  could do a cost analysis and demonstrate that implementing a must watch Bold and The Beautiful  policy could end up shaving significant time off of each call.

It could make devotees of Six Sigma proud. Of course there is that downside of showing The Bold and The Beautiful-- it would probably reinforce some negative impressions that these Indian phone reps must have about our values, shallowness,and tendency to throw inappropriate temper tantrum

Writing for the Search

Some emails are just meant to  be shared. This from my friend Caroline -- we've been friends since college. In fact, she is the one who made sure I passed Mr. Edward's copy editing class -- thank you for doing those headlines!

Caroline ( that is not really her name) recently took a job at a marketing communications agency that is doing a lot of web work. Evidently, the last class she took on how to be an effective writer for the web was well, a bit depressing.

"You know, I’ve always thought

That the downfall of real art

Was the glue gun…

And the downfall of civilization

Is the self-flushing toilet

(is it really that hard or confusing

to pull the handle?),

And now I’ve discovered the downfall

Of literature…or at least copy writing

In the 21^st century.

I just had a lesson on how to write for search engines.

Apparently, it’s not enough to write a good story

Or product explanation for the web audience.

If you don’t use certain words and phrases

Over and over and over and over and over again,

You might as well be writing to yourself,

Because the search engines won’t pick you up

And your message will be lost in cyberanonymity.

 

Gone are the days of saying what you mean,

And in are the days of repeating yourself

To the point where you sound like the president."

Anyway, you might want to explore this one

And use it for your blog.

See how other bloggers feel about this writing requirement…

Great question. How do people feel about this? Eager to hear what you think.

NOTE: Caroline is a pseudonym.

The MOVE--I should have known

Even when you have to move your office from one cube to another, it's a pain. Chances are somewhere between changing phones and Internet connections, you can be sure that something is not going to work. Of course, if you work in a cube, you have tech support to solve the problem.

When you work in a home office you end up spending hours  trying  to problem solve the problem yourself.

I moved on Saturday. I thought I had taken care of the phones, the Internet provider and the TV cable so that we would be good to go Monday morning.

Who was I kidding?  Everything is requiring  follow-up phone calls. And follow-up calls to the follow-up calls.

Now, I wouldn't have a problem with there being a problem.  What I do have a problem  with is technical support that either doesn't care or doesn't know how to fix the problem.

What I don't enjoy is having to call technical support so often on the same issue that I have my case reference number committed to memory.

So, some time today, the cable folks will be back because the technician who stopped by on Saturday didn't test stuff to make sure it worked. If he had, he would have noticed that nothing was working.  If I had not been obsessed with unpacking, I might have paid more attention.

Note: since writing this, the cable guy did come back. Unfortunately I was on a teleconference and he evidently didn't understand the problem. He left.The problem wasn't fixed. Finally, after spending 30 minutes on the phone with Omar the problem was resolved.

Then there are the phones.

Who knows why I did it, probably to take advantage of a special program, but my business line had been handled by Qwest while I used At&T for my local  phone service. The emphasis is on USED TO use AT&T.

I called 10 days in advance. Explained I wanted the new service to start October 15th but couldn't disconnect the old address until October 21st because the water department needed the phone line operational to get a meter reading.

5 days later someone mentioned that when they tried to call my home line, it had a disconnect message. When I called AT&T and explained they had incorrectly turned off my phone, they apologized and said there was really nothing they could do about it.

"Once a phone is disconnected, we cannot connect it for just a few days." I asked to be bumped up to a supervisor who confirmed the policy.

Pointing out the fact that it was their error, did not impress them. Pointing out that if they didn't reconnect the line would result in losing me as a customer, didn't impress them either.

When the Qwest service rep was working on my phone lines he said that Qwest had a similar policy, explaining that it wasn't an issue of ability to do it, but that it cost too much to do it. No surprise there.

Although the movers were not coming until Saturday, I wanted to make sure my business line  and Internet lines were up and running Monday morning  so I scheduled the phone company to meet me at my new place on Friday afternoon.

Qwest gave me a three hour window from 3-6 pm. I got to the new place around 2:15p.m. Good thing I did.Qwest was there at 2:25 p.m. The Qwest guy added my business line, had me sign an invoice for $95 to add a jack and said I was good to go.

What he didn't tell me is that neither the new business line or the old business line would be operational for the rest of the day. It didn't go into voice mail.Just said it was disconnected. Note to whomever---if you were trying to reach me Friday, my phones are working.

Then there is the issue of my Linksys wireless connection. The good news is we were able to piggyback on Doodlebug's service and access the Internet throughout the weekend.  The bad news we couldn't connect to our own service. The first rep insisted I had a bad Ethernet cord. The second one had me go through some settings and promised I was good to go.

It wasn't until around 4:30 this morning, that the latest Tech support person figured out the real problem. Not exactly sure but it had to do with the order that the router, cable box and computer were unplugged and plugged.

It is now 2:00 p.m. I have my Internet. I have my wireless. I have my phones. My life is good.