Two years ago, Wendi Aarons,a humor essayist and blogger,wrote a piece for McSweeney's.net's Open Letter Section about Proctor & Gamble's Always Sanitary Pad's "Have A Happy Period Campaign."
In the two years since it was published, the letter has created its own very happy life - traveling throughout the world wide web via emails with this intro:
This is an actual letter from an Austin , Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.
Of course, it wasn't an actual letter. And that is important. Facts are important. Fact Checking is very important.
As fun a read as it is, there’s no way it ever actually got a PC Magazine Editors’ Choice designation since those are given to products the magazine reviews. After a blog post about the letter got a mention in the Austin Chronicle, Wendi posted the following comment:
Love the Column; Thanks for the Mention
Hey Stephen, I was just reading your column [“After a Fashion,” Arts, Dec. 7] and was shocked to see a link to my Always Maxi Pad letter. Also shocked to see that it supposedly won PC Magazine’s editors’ choice award … I think they forgot to tell me. Anyway, I wrote this last February as a humor piece for McSweeneys.net, and it’s taken on a life of its own. The good news is that Proctor & Gamble no longer puts “Have a Happy Period” on their adhesive strips. I’m taking full credit for that one. Love the column and thanks for the mention!
Life Begins at 41 or.maybe 43
While the chirpy marketing message, "Have A Happy Period" is no longer on the adhesive strips on the actual sanitary pads, the Have A Happy Period Campaign is alive and well and living around the world. You can even download Have A Happy Period e-cards. and HAHP, the acronym for the campaign, has made it into the Urban Dictionary.
Now to that Open Letter.
MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons Austin, TX
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