FunnyBusiness: Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line

The Year Of The Square Watermelon

The Japanese have perfected a more refrigerator- friendly watermelon--for $80 a square. Stateside,a Pennsylvania entrepreneur is offering an e-book on HOW TO GROW YOUR OWN SQUARE WATERMELONS.

He's selling it for $19.95  Could 2008 be the year when we are all sitting around with square watermelons?

The Japanese decided to try growing a  square watermelon because Japanese  grocery stores  and home refrigerators are much smaller than their American counterparts and they wanted a more Japanese compatible watermelon.

I imagine the American entrepreneur decided to grow a square watermelon because it looks fun,will be a real conversation starter at the family reunion, and he's hoping that his e-book will sell a few copies.

In a year of insane food prices the grow your own square watermelon might just be the thing to bring a smile to stressed out Americans who will look at the garden and  cheer up when they see this square where an oval really should be.

If I had a yard, I'd try growing a square watermelon...just because. Hey, and even though our refrigerators might be bigger than Japanese models,I have never had a refrigerator big enough for a watermelon. Even the half watermelons take up too much room.

  For the past several years I have been buying the pre-cut version. However, given the higher cost of everything seeing the potential of the square watermelon has inspired me: I will cut my own this summer watermelon up this summer and instead of making watermelon balls I plan to cut them  into lovely mini watermelon squares

Hold The Bagel:Skyrocketing Flour Prices Force Price Increases

Okay, so you are thinking twice before you get in your car to run errands. The days of no fat grande lattes are behind you. Now, you learn you may have to give up your morning bagel. Orthonomics shares the sticker shock of seeing how fast the prices are rising from just two weeks ago.

My husband asked me to picked up frozen bagels. I went to Store 2 because they regularly price their store brand, kosher certified, frozen bagels at $1.00 a package. It isn't a great value, but keeping the husband happy is priceless. The new price, $1.50. That is a 50% price increase!

This is not fun. The Washington Post has a comprehensive article on why wheat prices have gone from cheap to "you gotta be kiddin."  In Emptying The Breadbasket, Dan Morgan reports :

...many farmers are cutting back on growing wheat in favor of more profitable, less disease-prone corn and soybeans for ethanol refineries and Asian consumers.

U.S. wheat yields per acre have increased little in two decades, partly because commercial seed companies have all but abandoned investments in improved varieties, preferring to focus on the more profitable corn and soybeans. Subtle warming changes in the climate and the recent availability of new plant varieties that thrive in cold, dry conditions have pushed the corn belt north and west.

In 1996, Congress gave a strong nudge to these changes by passing legislation allowing wheat growers for the first time to switch to other crops and still collect government subsidies. The result is that farmers received federal wheat payments last year on 15 million acres more than were planted.

Not only are these increased costs hitting consumers, they are hitting the restaurant industry and  they are hitting them hard. Most restaurants can't increase the costs of a meal to cover their increased costs and so they are doing what health experts wished they had done years ago, they are removing the iconoclastic super sized American Meal and replacing it with a normal portion.

Restaurants have been cutting back because of the higher prices that they have to pay. So ,the really huge portion that you may have received at a restaurant a few months ago may not be as large and the price may be the same or higher. This is not due to some altruistic health program for the customers. This is because restaurant suppliers and shippers have higher costs which means that the restaurants have higher costs and that means that when the food gets to you, it costs more as well.

The Leaked Microsoft Video: What embarasses some may motivate others

Labeled as "stupid, embarrassing,laughably awful,"  Microsoft has been taking major heat for a video intended for its Vista sales team that leaked onto YouTube.

Actually, I don't think it's so bad--for what it is---an internal video for a sales meeting. Anyone who has ever gone to a sales meeting knows that for outsiders the insider jokes and humor always fall flat.

It's like overhearing two lovers whispering sweet nothing into each other's ears. It may sound great to the two lovers, but to the eavesdroppers its an eye roll.

What seems juvenile and insipid to the outsider, can help build morale for those tasked with selling.Such it is with internal sales material.  It is for a targeted audience. What motivates them, may embarrass us.

This was not a commercial. This was an internal video. We should be embarrassed watching it--we are not the intended audience. But just because we're embarrassed, it  doesn't mean that it didn't do what it was supposed to do: motivate the troops, create community and remind them that the company was supporting the product.

Many years ago, I was retained by an major insurance company to motivate their sales team to promote a particular life insurance policy. We decided to go with a cowboy theme ---not sure why but we selected a cowboy -- it seemed like a good idea at the time. We also created an audio in the style of a 1930's radio program to promote the benefits of selling this product.

The sales team said they were insulted. They said that we had trivialized their professionalism. On the other hand, they all remembered the product---for years. And that was the problem, the one point the client had failed to share before we went all out with this "high creative" was that it was a lousy product.

High creative and lousy products don't mix well. They only tend to embarrass and insult. Which could explain why people are so embarrassed by the video. It's hyping a less than stellar product. They used a spoof of the quintessential music video and they tainted it with a product that consumers are saying,

"Thanks, but no thanks." 

Have Electronic Greeting Cards Reached It's Tipping Point?

It is an ongoing conversation in my head. Paper or Electronic.I have a subscription to an online card service - Jacquie Lawson  It's a boutique online card provider  offering just over a 100 different cards. But they are fabulous cards and people really seem to like them -- ( in this case people is code for baby boomers)

My dilemma was, " Would my client think that an electronic card was a lazy woman's version of saying Thank You? 

As recently as December I chatted with a business etiquette expert who advised never ever send a client an electronic thank you note. According to this expert, hand-written thank yous sealed with saliva and a 41 cent stamp(until May 12,2008 when they bumps up to 42 cents unless you purchased the forever stamps) are the appropriate way to demonstrate you really, really appreciate them.

But then again, she is a baby boomer.

According to a recent article in Fast Company called I Just IM'd 'To Say I Love You' my fears show I'm a product of my generation.

...the clientele is predominately "middle-age women." That is not just anecdotal evidence but acknowledged fact at American Greetings, which generated $1.7 billion in 2007 revenues. Its annual report reveals that women buy 80% of the cards in the United States, and their median age is 47. Not exactly the Facebook crowd. To gen-Yers, a snail- mail card is as antiquated as getting a $5 birthday check from grandma.

From a business perspective, an aging customer base and a renewed focus on using less paper could be the death knoll. But American Greetings isn't waiting for a new generation to discover that paper cards are wonderful. Instead, they are creating products to help this generation express their emotions in emails, chats and social media sites.

The product line is called KIWEE.

Last November, it launched a free toolbar that gives users instant access to a zoo's worth of smiling animals and that gives AGI a piece of search-advertising revenue. "The uptake for the toolbar has been amazing," says Todd Schwartz, product manager for Microsoft's Windows Live Messenger. In February, Kiwee attracted 12 million unique visitors. Young folks may not send paper anymore, but being remembered -- that's universal.

Earlier today I installed the Kiwee toolbar. If they ask any demographic information I'm likely to skew the average age by 40 years.  So now, I can add emoticons and winks  to my heart's delight to visually communicate my true feelings about a topic.

While there's definitely the possibility of having too much of a good thing here. I did spend part of Friday on a Webex meeting which offered lots of emoticons. The truth is, these little animated visuals do serve as an important communication aid.

Maybe the next step will be to create a line of emoticons targeted to babyboomers. In the meantime, it's time for me to go.

Honey Bees and The Economy

You can now add Honey Bees to the list of things you need to worry about.Over the past several winters the United States has lost about 25% of its honey bee population due to CCD-Colony Collapse Disorder ( known in the UK as Mary Celeste Syndrome --in honor of a ghost ship).

To bring attention to the plight of bees and what it can mean to our economy, Haagen Daz has launched a website called Help The Honey Bees.

Now imagine the world without tasty pears, luscious raspberries and juicy strawberries. Honey bees are responsible for pollinating one-third of all the foods we eat, including many of the ingredients that define our all-natural ice creams.

We've creating this site because honey bee populations are disaapearing at an alarming rate and we want to keep these heroes buzzing.

We hope you'll join our mission.

You can read more about the corporate efforts to save the bees at my Blogher
post,

How serious is it? It's serious. An unidentified expert in bees has said,"If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe then man would only have four years of life left."  This quote is often attributed to Albert Einstein. However, Urban Legends Reference Pages   has done the research and its doubtful that Einstein said it.

On the other hand, no one is disputing the  validity of the quote. According to  Urban Legends,

All in all, this looks like a classic case of a useful quote's being invented and put into the mouth of a famous person for political purposes.

 Sightings:   Political comedian Bill Maher used the Einstein "bee" quote to begin his closing essay on the 20 April 2007 episode of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher

Meanwhile in communities across the country, bee populations are exploding in the abandoned homes ( think foreclosure). Evidently cities and the bee producers need to collaborate a little better than they've been doing. The New York Times recently ran a story about a B. Keith Councell,a bee keeper who is trying to save the hives from extermination.

When a swarm came to the foreclosed ranch house at 3738 Santa Barbara Place in Cape Coral, town officials called B. Keith Councell, a fourth generation beekeeper and licensed bee remover.

On a recent evening, Mr. Councell stood at the light blue house’s open garage door as hundreds of honeybees buzzed over his head and past his ears, disappearing into a hole behind the water meter. The house has been without a human occupant since December.

Then he did what he does at most foreclosed homes: nothing.

“If it’s in the yard I just take care of it,” Mr. Councell said. “But if it’s in the structure, usually I can’t get permission to go in. And it’s a problem, because somebody’s going to get stung. It creates a risk for everybody around.”

At a time when honeybee populations are dropping nationwide, Mr. Councell sees himself in competition with exterminators. Because Africanized honeybees, sometimes called killer bees for their aggressiveness, have appeared in Florida, the current trend is toward exterminating rather than removing them, Professor Ellis said.

Streit's Matzos Has YouTube Hit

YOU DON"T HAVE TO KNOW A THING ABOUT MATZO TO LOVE THIS VIDEO

 

Matzo is a seasonal product eaten primarily during the 8 days of Passover. While my 85 -year- old father likes to have matzos year round, its not on the top 10 favorite food list for most people.

While Streit's Matzos doesn't take overt credit for this video, The Jewish Robots told blogger B.l. Ochman that Streit's was their sponsor.

Will becoming an overnight YouTube sensation  translate into increased sales?

Given how popular the video is, it may encourage people who have never tasted matzo to buy a box. And for people who need to pick up an extra box this year, they just may reach for the Streit's instead of those other brands. 

I'll check back with Streit's after Passover to find out if there is a relationship with a popular YouTube video and increased sales.

To B.L. Ochman

Update: When I walked downstairs to my kitchen after doing this post , I found a box of Streit's Matzo on my kitchen counter. I didn't even know that is the brand I bought. With the increased brand awareness, I will now by Streit's loyal.

Nalgene Pulling Water Bottles with BPA AFTER Canada Bans BPA in Baby Products

When it comes to plastic bottles, you won't be finding these numbers on products sold in Canada --that's because  these numbers indicate the product has BPA. Last week, the Canadian government  banned all products containing BPA --a chemical widely used baby bottles and the beloved Nalgene water bottle.

From The Washington Post

The move in Canada adds pressure on U.S. federal regulators to reexamine their position on BPA, which is suspected of causing breast and prostrate cancer, diabetes, hyperactivity and other serious disorders in laboratory animals. This week, a federal health panel in the United States for the first time expressed concerns about BPA.

Although the U.S. government isn't even close to banning BPA--companies are taking a proactive stand and voluntarily recalling these products.

For more on this dramatic change in American corporate behavior, check out my post on BlogHer.

The Disappearing Workload

A couple of months ago my garage door stopped working properly. I could open it, but every time I tried to  close it the door would lower to within six inches of the floor and then open again.

There was a fix...I just had to hold down the keypad until the door hit the ground. The big exception was the  remote door opener in my car--- no matter how long I held it down, the door would not close.

So to get out of my garage I had to open the door, drive the car into the driveway, get out of the car, punch in my security code into the garage door's  "keyless entry pad", press down the keypad until the garage door closes completely, get back in my car, slam the door and drive away.

Two weeks ago I went on Craig's List in search of a garage door opener fixer.The repair guy answered in inquiry but when he found out where I lived, he opted not to continue the correspondence. I was amazed. Who in this economy can afford to turn away work?

Wherever I go I hear the dreaded words, " It's slow." Whether its the nail technicians, hair stylists or restaurants that seem to have plenty of seating these days, it's getting harder to earn a buck.

Today The New York Times confirms this observation.

The gradual erosion of the paycheck has become a stealth force driving the American economic downturn. Most of the attention has focused on the loss of jobs and the risk of layoffs. But the less-noticeable shrinking of hours and pay for millions of workers around the country appears to be a bigger contributor to the decline, which has already spread from housing and finance to other important areas of the economy.

[...]

As people bring home paychecks that do not go as far, they are forced to economize, eliminating demand for goods and services that once captured their dollars, spreading pain to providers like auto dealers and lawn care providers. They, too, must trim their outlays on pay, shrinking working hours more and furthering the slowdown

“It means spending slows going forward,” said Robert Barbera, chief economist at the trading and research firm ITG.

Yesterday I found someone else on Craig's List to fix the garage door. He said business has been slow. He also mentioned he's originally from Minot, North Dakota where it seems they've discovered oil

"So," I asked, " Are you planning to return to Minot?"

"Not quite yet,"  said like a man who may be glad he's from Minot but doesn't want to be from Minot.

Reminding me to remind myself the hope springs eternal.

Telemarketer's Newest BFF: Gas Rebates

In the past 30 minutes I have gotten two calls from two very different companies offering me a Gas Rebate for trying their products.

The first was a $15 gas rebate for trying a new accident and hospital policy. The company got my name from my life insurance carrier. The gist of the conversation was I could try the accidental policy for 30 days and if I didn't like it could cancel the policy and keep the $15 gas rebate.

About 15 minutes later, I got a call from a company associated with American Express offering me a $60 rebate for joining a new discount shopping program.

Can I hear 100? $200? How about a year of free gas. Then you'll have my attention.

The Death Of The Tagline

Sometimes called a slogan, sometimes called a tagline, it has been an important component of the advertising mix for many years. But...hold on to your advertising dollars, AdAge's Steve Cone says...the tagline is so 20th century.

From Jossip

Powerful taglines, or “powerlines” as AdAge’s Steve Cone SO CLEVERLY calls them, have gone missing from today’s marketing. You don’t see a tagline for Apple commercials anymore; you just see the bitten apple logo. Based on that alone, we’re going to agree: Taglines have died

The Jossip post includes recommendations on what an organization should do if they want to create a tagline and then it analyzes some very well known taglines including :Nike's "Just Do It," Apple's "Think Different", and McDonald's "I'm Lovin' It"

To support the premise that the tagline is dead, I would not have been able to tell you either Apple's or MxDonald's Tagline. However, I can certainly hum the soundtrack to Apple's Macbook Air commercial thanks to an unrelenting earworm that will not go away.