FunnyBusiness: Everything About Business Except The Bottom Line

Flasher:Dealing With Hot Flashes At Work

Standing in line at Target with a cart full of items, Miranda had a hot flash so severe that sweat began pouring from her ear lobes.  As she later said, “I was totally drenched from head to foot; it looked as if I had just come out of a swimming pool.”

Too embarrassed to stay in line, Miranda ran to the safety of her car. That’s when the real panic set in: what if this happened at work?

Miranda is not alone in this fear. For the generation that burned bras, made free love, and invaded corporate America like a battalion of soldiers landing on the beaches of Normandy, attitudes towards hot flashes and, for that matter, menopause in general, are often reminiscent of the pre-Beatle’s sixties: nice girls don’t talk about that in public.

A film strip keeps popping into my head. They must have shown it to us in the 6th grade. Just the girls of course. I remember one scene in particular: the daughter was standing on a pedestal (gotta love that symbolism) and the mother was hemming her dress.   In walks the dad, briefcase in hand, and before he can say , ‘How are my princesses?’ , the daughter blurts out, with only the kind of enthusiasm you would have after being asked to join an Olympic Team,  “Dad, guess what? ! I got my period!”

There was a lot of giggling that day — getting your period was not something you talked about in front of any male species, especially your father. 

Fast forward 40 some years and we’re still embarrassed about our periods – or lack of them. Of course the reasons are complicated.  There is a prevailing perception that menopausal women are irrational, moody, and forgetful – not exactly traits that are admired on the 29th floor.

Molly has had unbelievably severe hot flashes for the past five years – at times she has two fans running in her downtown office. Yet, when she presents in front of her leadership, she would never consider letting them know she is having a hot flash. “It’s not an option in our culture.”

That creates a dilemma. “Getting flushed and having perspiration appear on your face during a presentation can give the impression that you don’t know the answer to the question —that you are incompetent.” said Molly.

Molly chooses to let them think what they will think rather than tell them what’s going on.

“The reason, “says Dr. Erika Schwartz, author of “The Hormone Solution, “that women feel inferior during menopause is because we never address men’s changing hormonal cycles. If we did, women wouldn’t be as self-conscious about a hot flash.”

There is hope.When my 15 year- old daughter was in elementary school she had an extraordinary teacher, Chris Jaglo who incorporated “sex-ed” as a daily part of the curriculum. 

“The key is to talk about as naturally as a preposition or fraction. I usually start by having them list all the slang names for penis. You always have snickers and someone squirming at first, but pretty soon the flood gates open.” said Jaglo.

Starting with the boy’s sexual issues is a strategic decision. “I’ve found it’s mandatory to start with the boys – once we deal with their issues it seems to diffuse all the stuff that goes on with girls.”

Is it time to bring the Jaglo approach into the workplace?  . The more women understand that menopause is an equal opportunity event, the less inferior and embarrassed they will feel. 

So let’s talk about the gentlemen first – let’s learn about their enlarged prostates, their bouts of impotency, the hair growing out of their noses and on the top of their ears, their insomnia and their mood swings.

Maybe then, we will learn what the sixth graders in Chris Jaglo’s class already learned…having a hot flash is just part of growing up.

NOTE: The names of Miranda and Molly have been used to protect the privacy of our real business women.
If you have a corporate story you'd like to share, please contact me. I'd like to hear your story!

103,860 minutes. When Computer Spy Wars Prevent You From Doing Your Job

It’s now 103,680 minutes and counting—that’s how long it’s been since I had a workable computer.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration. I’ve been working on my son’s computer all summer.
It’s just been 103,680 minutes since I’ve had my own computer to work on.

It is a sad saga, which I shared in Relapse.  So Thursday, 72 days after my computer refused to boot up, I had it back. Just one problem— it was running in slow motion.  Actually that makes it sound like it was going faster than it actually was.

Once again, I was standing at the counter at Geek Squad in the Minnetonka BestBuy. I listed the symptoms.
It was slow.
I kept getting messages that I had low disk space and that I needed to remove programs immediately.
I cleaned out my deleted email box. 800 emails from January.
I removed 300 songs from iTunes.
Nada.
One moment it said I had corrected the problem. The next it said I had low disk space.

The diagnosis —spyware.

The fact that my computer was suffering from an attack of spyware, took me by surprise .My Sony Vaio laptop with docking station and my son’s Gateway both have Spykiller installed and it runs every time the computers boot up.

Given the number of restarts a person has to go through in a typical business day because of Internet Explorer, Word or Microsoft Office encountering a problem, the computers are checked many times during the day.

So, every time I booted up, I got this phenomenal message, courtesy of
Spykiller that it had successfully annihilated (my word) hundreds of spies.

Having Spykiller made me feel like I was practicing  safe sex for my computer.

So, when John, at Geek Squad said the problem was spyware…it was like being told I was pregnant after using the best prophylactics on the market.

“How is that possible, “I exclaimed, somewhat dumbfounded,  “ I have Spykiller”

I knew I was in trouble when he said, “I’ve never heard of Spykiller.”
.

Here is where I realized I had been a dolt. The reason I bought Spykiller—it said it was rated the number one spy ware. That’s right. I relied on an advertising slogan to purchase my spyware. I didn't bother to read the Anti-Spyware Review 2004

If I had, I would have found that I had bought the Ford Pinto of Spyware software.

Actually, I had become quite suspicious of Spykiller just a couple of days ago .Despite its proclamations of getting rid of all spyware, I had succeeded in infecting my son’s computer with a Trojan horse that neither Norton’s Antivirus nor Spykiller could get rid of. Every time I clicked on a web page, it rerouted me to About: blank.

It was making me cranky, and I wanted an explanation from Spykiller.

Just one problem, Spykiller is taking their work so seriously that are apparently now working undercover. 

They don’t have a customer service department. They don’t provide a phone number (I checked with the Houston 411) or an email address.

They do list a building address but I’ve watched enough episodes of Alias to know that that address is probably an abandoned warehouse.

That’s when it occurred to me that Spykiller might actually be a double agent. Oh sure, it got rid of some spyware but it’s just as possible that it’s a front to let the real nefarious spies like Trojan Horse 2nd Thought invade my computer.

Based on Geek Squad’s recommendation I bought Webroot’s Spy Sweeper. It's ranked number one on the 2004 review.

So far so good. It got rid of the Trojan Horse 2nd Thought. It identified 17 infected software, traces in 1,380 (I have no idea what that means) and tons of cookies.

After the sweep, I decided to uninstall Spykiller. I couldn’t. When I hit the uninstall button, I got the following message.

The item ‘iun6002.exe’ that this shortcut refers to has been changed or moved, so this shortcut will no longer work properly. Do you want to delete this shortcut?

It sounds like a trick question.
On the one hand I want Spykiller to leave. But given my current suspicion that it is actually a double agent; would saying yes cause even more computer damage?

I don’t know. I think I’ll ask Geek Squad when I pick up my computer. They say it will be ready tomorrow.

Do you have a corporate story you'd like to share? I'd love to hear it. Your identity will always be protected. I don't want to see anyone get fired for talking to me.

INFP's Need Not Apply

Forget about your degree that you spent thousands of dollars to earn. Forget about the twelve years of professional experience. Forget about your intelligence, flexibility, discernment. When it comes to enjoying success in the business world, there is one indicator that is more predictable than others. And, it comes down to four letters – ENTJ.

ENTJ is one of sixteen four –letter personality types identified by the Myers -Briggs Type Indicator- a psychometric test widely used throughout corporate America for team building and leadership training. Ideally, it’s designed to help people get a better understanding of how and why people approach the world in such different ways. Officially, one personality type is not better than another. Yeah, right.

Walking  to a meeting on virtual team building, Pixie, a certified Myers -Briggs consultant, was giving me some background on Meyers Briggs and corporate America. She told me that 80% of business executives are ENTJ's

“Where does that leave the 15 other personality types?” I asked, as we stepped on the escalator to take us down to the lobby.
“On the lower rungs of the corporate ladder.” said Pixie.
“So, does this mean if I’m not an ENTJ, I should forget about a career in corporate America?”

At this point Pixie, pressing the elevator button for the 14th floor hesitated, and then chose her words carefully, “I think the way to look at it is to recognize that as an INFP you might not be comfortable in an environment that tends to reward ENTJ’s.” With that, the elevator door closed.

INFP’s, like me, account for only 1% of the population. Depending on the source, INFP’s ‘have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality. They conceive the world as an ethical, honorable place.’ Famous INFP’s include: Mary, mother of Jesus, Tom Brokaw, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Homer, Virgil, and William Shakespeare —not a shabby list but not exactly a list of business tycoons.

Just how seriously do business people take their ratings on the Myers-Briggs? So seriously, that they’ll try to beat the test. Stephen, like Pixie, is a Myers Briggs consultant. “A few years ago, an executive who had just come into the organization after a major re-org hired me to give his entire team the Myers -Briggs.
"When I started reviewing the results, I saw they were very skewed.” said Stephen.
“In what way?” I asked.
“Let’s just say, that quite a few of the team members ended up with the exact same Myers -Briggs as their new boss,” said Stephen. “When I asked them about it, they said they answered the test the way they thought their new boss would answer it.”

Kinda brings new meaning to the phrase ‘imitation is the highest form of flattery.’ But you gotta love their ingenuity, which is why, across town, Cheryl is using every possible strategy to avoid taking the Myers -Briggs. Her company loves the Myers -Briggs so much that it requires employees to include their personality type on their name plates.

“Isn’t that an invasion of privacy?” I asked incredulously.
“You would think so,” said Cheryl.
“I take it that there is a preferred personality type at your company.”
“Of course, “said Cheryl, “why do you think I’m avoiding taking the test! I could sabotage my own career –I have no idea whether my personality matches the preferred one in this organization. I prefer to keep them guessing.”

Ask any Myers -Briggs consultant and they’ll tell you that it’s not supposed to be used that way. But how many corporations have fairness as a core corporate value? Is it random that so many executives are ENTJ’s? That’s anybody’s guess.

So who is this enviable ENTJ that gets the top jobs? ENTJ’s are natural-born leaders: strategic, decisive, problem-solvers. So much for their strong points. ENTJ’s are also an impatient bunch, and as a rule, are not, naturally in tune with other people’s feelings. Typically, ENTJs have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. So much for being a team leader. Oh, and did I mention they are mostly male?

Historically, women taking the Myers-Briggs were not very likely to see a “T” in the third spot of their personality type. Instead, that third letter was more likely to be an “F”. “F’’s are people who are concerned with whether their decisions and actions are worthwhile. “F”s believe they can make the best decisions by weighing what people care about and the points-of-view of persons involved in a situation.

But that kind of thinking can quickly get you overlooked for the next promotion. And so, an interesting thing has happened on the way up the corporate ladder: women are now turning out ENTJ scores at a phenomenal rate—a rate now equal to their male counterparts.

Have women’s basic personalities really changed that dramatically during the past generation? Or, is there a simpler explanation – are women faking it?

My guess is that women are still flaming “F”s just disguising themselves as flaming “T”s. My guess is that women have simply decided to stuff their true personalities into the corporate closet because it’s not safe to come out and show their true personality preferences. My guess is that this masquerade will continue, until someone figures out that corporate America could truly benefit from a little more “F” and a little less “T”.

NOTE: Stephen and Cheryl are not their real names. They asked to have their identity protected in order to share their stories without repercussions from clients or employees. Pixie is my friend's real name. She is currently living in Switzerland.

Do you have a corporate story you'd like to share? I'd love to hear it. Your identity will always be protected. I don't want to see anyone get fired for talking to me.

You’re Fired ! ™ pending

Not sure when the last time someone other than Donald Trump actually said the words, “You’re fired.” Just know he’s hell- bent on making sure that if there’s money to be made with the phrase, he’s going to be the one making it.

Trump is not the first person to try to trademark a phrase. It actually has quite a history. In an article last March, The SeattleTimes explained how Trump could get away with trademarking the phrase.

It's common to seek trademark protection for popular sayings, to limit who will profit from the myriad T-shirts, caps and games that inevitably follow cultural phenomena. Walt Disney Co. has applied for a trademark on the phrase, "Is that Your Final Answer?," the query from host Regis Philbin in the game show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."

"Whenever there's a new popular phrase, someone tries to get a trademark through clothing first to capitalize on the popularity," said trademark lawyer Jim McCarthy of McDonnell Boehnen Hulbert & Berghoff in Chicago. "Phrases are only trademarks when they're used in connection with something. It doesn't mean people can't say 'you're fired.' "

Basketball coach Pat Riley owns trademarks to put the phrase "three peat" on clothing. The phrase was coined by Riley in the 1980s when he coached the Los Angeles Lakers, and he profited when fans of the Chicago Bulls bought clothing with the phrase in the 1990s after the Michael Jordan-led team won three NBA championships.

In today’s corporate world, HR personnel would never say, “You’re fired.” Instead, they’d say something like, “Due to the downturn in business, or, “As of today, you are no longer employed by this company.”

Now, HR folks may feel that by not saying the words ,“You’re Fired” .they are being kinder and gentler than HR folks in the past. Ask anyone who is on the receiving end andthey will tell you that kind and gentle are not the emotions they remember from the brief conversation.

Despite attempts to find out when corporations decided that “you’re fired” is not a politically correct phrase, Google could not lead me to a reliable source. However, Google was able to tell me how the phrase got started. Actually, there are two accounts. You choose.

According to some sources, the term “you’re fired” dates back to feudal England. When lords wanted to get rid of a serf, they simply burned their homes down. The serfs got the message.

The other explanation dates back to the turn of the century and the founder of NCR, John H. Patterson who invented of the cash register. According to urban legend, Patterson used to have the desks and other belongings of about-to-be-terminated employees hauled out of the building during the night, placed on the front lawn, and set afire in the morning before the employee arrived for work.

Which brings me to the story of the Florida woman who was fired for eating a BLT.
Turns out the woman was working for a company with strong Muslim ties ( Muslims believe pork is unclean) and so they had an office policy that employees could not bring pork into the work place.

The womanw as given a warning after brining in pizza and then she brought in the BLT.

Depending who you talk to, the girl was either extremely insensitive, completely within her rights, or determined to get fired.

I had spent so much time concentrating on the tension between religious rights vs. employee’s rights that

It never occurred to me

That maybe the employee

Brought in the BLT

To deliberately become job-free.

She now joins about three million other Americans who are fired each year (this is different than the millions who are laid off due to downsizings, re-orgs and businesses closings).

Getting fired can be one of the most traumatic and humiliating events that a person ever experiences. Particularly if the company has a policy of making the employee take the corporate perp walk—giving them 15 minutes to clear out their office, take a box of their personal belongings, and then require them to walk with the box, out the front door, escorted by security.

Ask anyone who has taken that long walk and they will tell you, by far, that was the worst part.

Jeremy still sounds emotional talking about the day he was fired from his job and while security didn’t escort him out, his boss did.

“I was blind-sided. The week before I had received some unexpected new stock options. The next thing I know the HR director is pushing a legal document in front of my face saying that if I wanted to get my bonus I had to sign the document which said I was leaving the company voluntarily.”

Jeremy said he wanted to have an attorney review the documents.
HR said “No can do. The offer is off the table if you leave the room without signing the document”

Not knowing his rights and wanting the lovely bonus, Jeremy signed. According toDavid Weinstein, an attorney with the Lapp, Libra, Thomson, Stoebner & Puschlaw firm in Minneapolis, who focuses on employment law, Jeremy probably made the right decision.

“Corporations can do this. However, there is an exception,” explained Weinstein.” If the document has any language that says by agreeing to these terms, the company is released of claims of discrimination (age, race, gender, etc.) then the employee has 21 days to make a decision about what they want to do.”

Weinstein says in most cases, corporations do include this release agreement in the separation document and a person being asked to sign a document needs to check to see if that language is included.

According to Weinstein, if that language is in the document, it doesn’t matter if the employee does sign it. Legally, they get the 21 days.

As far as our BLT eating employee, she’s filed a lawsuit claiming religious discrimination.

NOTE: The name Jeremy is an alias used to protect the identity of the person who was actually fired.

If you have a corporate story that you would like to share, please contact me! Remember I will protect your identity to make sure you won't get fired for talking to me!

C'est La Vie in Corporate Francais

Corrine Maier, a civil servant in the French electric company,EDF, recently published  a 117- page book about French Corporate Culture. Called, Hello Laziness, the book is getting a lot of attention.

Maier agreed to an email interview where she stressed that the intent of the book was to be humorous.“I write that the middle-management is full of morons very "français moyen" (average French), that companies hate culture, that only people who are forced to do so actually work, that working in big companies signify being stuck between red tape and brutality... It's (partly) a caricature!

I’m interested in understanding why you felt this book was important to publish?

I don't know if this book was important to publish! I write about subjects that seem important to me (I have already published 6 books about psychoanalysis, history and literature). If it is important for the others they read my books, if it is not, they don’t!

What are the three major changes you would like to see in French Corporations?

I don't know if it is possible to change things, I am very pessimistic. Of course, if people in France could change of jobs more easily, work would change, because there are things people would not accept any more. Nowadays, people shut up just because they are afraid of being fired. Once they have a job, they stick to it and they feel obliged to show the bosses that they are very happy to be there - it is compulsory to say that working is such a privilege, even if your job is boring and your colleagues are stupid... Besides, I think French companies are more or less like most big corporations in western countries.

What has been the reaction of workers in France?

Some people are shocked! An economist who criticizes work, they cannot accept that! But there are many people who laugh.

Are you surprised at the reaction the book is getting?

Yes, I am surprised at the reaction of my company, my bosses didn't understand it was humoristic - and they forgot we live in a free country, where people have the right to criticize the system. -I don’t feel allowed to give marks at big corporations. My book only deals with work, and all the questions relative to it: are we condemned to dress up as clowns all week and waste our lives in pointless meetings?

Monique Wells is an American living in France. She arrived there twelve years ago when the pharmaceutical company she worked for in the states merged with French company. While she has not read Maier’s book, she says that from what she’s been told, Maier has accurately described French corporate culture.

Wells stresses that not everything about French business culture is bad. " The French are not as time-obsessed as Americans. They don't feel compelled to start their work day at 8:00 or 8:30. It's much more common to see people arriving at work at 9,9:30 or even 10," explained Monique.  And she added, " People do enjoy their lunch hour."

In fact that lunch hour is sacrosanct.

One thing you won’t see in a French corporation is people eating at their desks. “Even though the French are the most independent people that I know, when you go to work, you are part of a team. That means you go to lunch together,and you take breaks together. If you wanted to eat by yourself, it would be considered strange and you might be criticized and even penalized.”

However, its not the teamwork that is at the crux of French Corporate Culture. It's the policy of making it nearly impossible to ever fire anyone.

“The big thing in France is that you really can’t fire people.” I’ve known people who are rewarded for doing nothing. In the states, a person who would slough off on a job would get fired.  Because the French can’t fire them, they move them, and if there isn’t a good lateral place to move them, they sometimes move them up.”

According to Wells, a couple of years ago, France implemented a 35- hour work week. It’s not working, But, she says, they’ll never change it. “The French just can’t admit when they are wrong. It’s part of their culture. If I ever heard a business person in France say they’ve made a mistake, I’d pass out in the street.”

Which could explain why no one gets fired. If its a cultural taboo to admit you are wrong, it would be impossible for a manager to admit she had hired the wrong person.

Wells  is now an entrepreneur. She was able to start her own business because the French companies must give employees with a certain amount of tenure the opportunity to take a one or two year sabbatical to start a business. If the business fails, the company must rehire the failed entrepreneur at the same salary they left.

To start her business, Wells incorporated in the states, in part because the French don't make it easy to be an entrepreneur. If Wells had incorporated in France ,she as the business owner, would need to show the government that she had about assets of about  ten thousand dollars (American).  As one person working in France noted, entrepreneur may be a French word but its not French friendly.

She doesn’t have any expectations of growing the person beyond a consultancy. “I can’t afford to hire anyone because French law makes it almost impossible to fire them and I simply can’t afford to make that mistake.”

As for Maier, she’s scheduled for a disciplinary hearing in September. After all this is August and very little work gets done in August. The French do take their vacation time very seriously.  In the meantime Maier says,

My status? I am still working for my company, Electricity of France (EDF). As I've got support from the unions, from the media, and from some of my colleagues, I keep cool. I don't know what will happen to me next - a sanction from my company? A best-selling book? Both ? Let's see...

Have a story?  I want to hear it! The success of this column depends on people sharing their stories-- so whether its a boss, co-worker, corporate policy or just general corporate nonsense, let me hear from you --your identity and the identity of your place of employment will be protected.  The goal is to tell the story, not get anyone fired.

Image added 8/09/07

The Corporation-A Documentary that looks at the role business plays in our lives

It was just a throw-away line in a Dateline NBC report on Elian Gonzales and how he’s doing four years after returning to Cuba. Correspondent Keith Morrison was describing a Cuban –born American who was visiting Cuba .In describing the gentlemen, Morrison said while the man loved his homeland, he was grateful he had grown up in the United States-- a country with a free press.

Normally, a line about America and its free press would have been a line that just skimmed my consciousness.

Context is an interesting thing.

When I was watching the story, it was in the context of having just returned from watching the Canadian documentary, The Corporation, which looks at the role business plays in our lives.

It’s not flattering look.

If your cause is the environment, you’ll be concerned.
If your cause is human rights, you’ll be concerned.
If your cause is the manipulation of young children by advertisers, you’ll be concerned. And, if you believe in a free press, you’ll be concerned.

However, this is not a movie review. I’ve never written one, not sure how to do it. Besides, there are already plenty of reviews.

The thing that was most haunting to me about this documentary was a story about two reporters in Florida who had done an investigative series on the potential risk of milk containing a Monsanto product called Posilac-- a genetically engineered dairy hormone(rBGH) that turns regular dairy cows into super milking machines.

rBGH is banned in Europe and Canada because there have been some studies linking it with increased risk of breast and prostate cancer.

The story never aired. Monsanto threatened Fox with pulling all its advertising at all Fox stations-- not just the one in Tampa, Florida. That’s millions upon millions of advertising  dollars.  Lawyers got involved. There were 83 rewrites. The reporters refused to air the story as edited.

They got fired. They sued. One won $425,000 in damages. An Appeals court overturned the award saying it’s not against the law for news organizations to air false reports. 

If this were a stand alone case, it would be distressing on its own. But, it's not. Unfortunately, the power that business plays on what stories get on the air is indeed frightening to anyone who cherishes the concept of a free press.

The 2002 anthology, Into The Buzzsaw, showcases 18 journalists and their stories about corporate and government interference.

As one reviewer said,

“In various ways, all the submissions in this book prove how the "Free Press" in America is not always so free.”

As Publishers Weekly said in its review,

“Indeed, if members of the general public read this book, or even portions of it, they will be appalled. To the uninitiated reader, the accounts of what goes on behind the scenes at major news organizations are shocking. Executives regularly squelch legitimate stories that will lower their ratings, upset their advertisers or miff their investors. Unfortunately, this dirt is unlikely to reach unknowing news audiences, as this volume's likely readership is already familiar with the current state of journalism.”

The right to report a story without interference from advertisers is a core principle of American journalism that may not be as core as it used to be.

In the 1970s, I was a reporter at WWBT-TV in Richmond, Virginia.
One of my news directors was so adamant about the separation of advertising and news that he forbad us to mention anything that even had the hint of advertising.

Like many television stations, we ran a local morning talk show. One day,I was hosting the show and a B movie starlet was in town promoting her movie.

My news director gave me very strict instructions. The starlet could notmention the name of the movie or where it was playing.

When I explained the situation to the starlet,she was dumbfounded. The truth is, at the time, I thought my news director had gone a bit overboard about the separation between news and promotion.

I didn’t see the harm in mentioning her movie. I was a naïve 23-year old. Now, I understand that when you cross that line in the sand, the line disappears--forever.

Business has no business in the newsroom. The more it's there, the more the “free press” becomes little more than a mirage.

Visit http://www.thecorporation.com/ to find out when the documentary is playing in a town near you. If it’s not scheduled, you can reserve a copy of the film on Netflix.

Image added: 8/09/07